Dark Magic and Tea Parties
by Lor-tan
Summary: In which Harry wants to take over the world, Tina is a miniature Hagrid, Dumbledore is failing at manipulation, and Maya is a terrible head of house. Or, Hagrid finds baby Tina in some bushes and decides to put her in the same basket as Harry, not thinking of the consequences.


I do not own Harry Potter, Borderlands, Code Geass, Evil Genius, the Chronicles of Narnia, Elmer's Glue, or any of the other multitudes of referenced songs, books, or craft supplies in this strange epic. I do own Thephosilles the Brave and a few other OC's though, so y'all can't use them. Just kidding, you can. I don't even care.

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* * *

 **Once upon a time, during a press meet, someone asked Harry Potter what he had wanted to do as a child. He replied, "Oh, well I used to want world peace."**

 **Everyone was stunned at the thought of their** **savior** **as a little boy, wanting nothing more then peace for everyone. Some of them started crying.**

 **But then Harry continued, "Of course, then Tina said that I should just dump the whole saving the world and peace plan and go with global domination, because it was probably more fun, and a whole lot easier. So that's what I wished for as I blew out my seventh birthday** **cakes candles. And when wishing for it didn't work, I started plotting. And it's working pretty well so far."**

 **Part One**

Once upon a time, a woman named Petunia Dursley opened her door to get the morning papers for her husband Vernon, only to find instead a big basket on her steps and no paper in sight. Meaning that the paper boy was, once again, _late_. She resolved to have a talk on the phone with his boss that evening, and took the basket inside to show Vernon. After opening it, the two were greeted by the surprise of their life; inside was a soft pink blanket and, more importantly, two children. Two sets of eyes blinked blearily up at them, one pair stormy ocean blue and the other a brilliant emerald green. A little girl with the beginnings of a blond head of hair, baring her gums and making little 'grrrr'ing noises up at them and clutching a tiny stuffed bunny in her chubby infant hands. And beside her lay a little boy with a mass of black curls already growing, and a lightning bolt shaped scar stretched from just over his left eyelid and up past his tiny brow onto his forehead. Attached to the basket were two notes, one that read the following: _Entrusted to you is the life of Harry James Potter. There are wards to keep him safe around your home, never let him stray from your sight,_ in sweet flowing script, and the other looking like it had been hastily written by a madman with a crayon, saying: **on the way over I also fond this one cry-ing in some bushs. Thot you may like her to. I named her tina. Ps, she bytes.** Just as Petunia read aloud that last bit, the little blond leaned up and chomped her toothless gums onto one of Vernon's fat fingers with a ferocious 'grrrrr."

xXx

It was the first day of school, and Petunia Dursley was worried. Now normally she was worried. It was sort of her default state most of the time, she worried about Dudley, she worried about the neighbors, whether or not her house was burning, and she worried about all the other things she considered normal to worry about.

Often she also worried about Harry. Or more particularly his incidents. She had formerly considered magic to be freaky and this had passed on to both Dudley and Vernon. That opinion had ended several years ago when it had first happened around Tina. The little girl was cute, curious, and already a genius with anything mechanical, all of which both she and Vernon liked, despite her quirkier habits and excitable nature. Dudley complained that she got a computer before he did, but mostly liked her. The reason Petunia was worried at the moment, though, was that her wonderful, innocent little girl was in the back seat bouncing in excitement next to her sister's son Harry and her own son Dudley, on the way to first grade.

This was what she worried about most. Like Lily, the girl had developed what Petunia and Vernon grudgingly acknowledged as "magic", after Petunia accidentally bought a jar of raisin cookies instead of chocolate chip ones at the market. Tina had practically exploded, and yelled "Wait a minute. Those cookies aren't chocolate chip. Those...are...raisins. WHYYYYYY-HY-HYYYYY?! DESTROY THE COOKIE DISPENSING JAR! WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATIONS OFF THE MAP! I JUST WANTED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?" and, ultimately, destroyed the cookies, the jar, and the part of the counter they were sitting on as well.

So just like Lily, Tina had what Petunia didn't. This time around though, Petunia was determined to stick with her adopted daughter. She would even try to be nicer to Harry, if only for Tina's sake. She had been jealous of Lily and had missed out on so much of her sister's life because of it. She refused to let it be the same case with her little girl. That wasn't even counting Vernon's opinion. He was eager to see Tina join him at Grunnings someday, and if that meant allowing magic, then so be it. He said that one day the little girl would be in charge of the business, but honestly Petunia would be rather surprised to see Tina in charge of Grunnings. She was more likely to head a demolitions business. The girl was able to make explosives by age five and tried to blow up the neighbors cats after Vernon mentioned he didn't like them prowling around the yard and scratching up the flower beds. Harry and Dudley had both thought it was amazing, while she and Vernon had been worried about criminal charges. Surprisingly, Mrs. Figg next door seemed to completely ignore the event, even when her cats continued to trigger traps, and continued to barely escape alive from the tiny explosions.

Keeping all of this in mind, if the girl managed to make it through the school week without incident Petunia would be immensely happy.

xXx

Petunia was not happy.

It was only two days into school when she had gotten called into the principles office where she found Tina, Harry, Dudley, and another boy with a ratlike face who she didn't recognize, the boys all sitting glumly in front of his desk and Tina grinning wildly. Tina was gleefully telling the principle about what had happened, with many far fetched hand gestures, as Harry and Dudley nodded solemnly along and the other boy sniveled.

Petunia caught just the end of the story: "So then I finally had my Rabbit back and than that bandit kid over there, he tried to steal it _again_ , so I kicked him between the legs and then my brothers showed up so I yelled: "That's right, bitches - my big brudder's about to teach you some MANNERS. Nobody steals Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk and lives!" Which was when the teacher came up and yelled at me for saying a bad word and said that I shouldn't try to have my brothers beat up the bad guys but the teacher is obviously wrong and you should fire him for supporting bullying. Oh, and you should also have crumpets at snack time."

The principle looked up an Petunia then, raising an eyebrow, and she realized that this would take a while.

xXx

In fourth grade the mask made its first appearance. Apparently, the children were supposed to have a fairy tale play and invite their parents, and they were all allowed to make their own costumes. Harry was to be a poor man, and so found a brown tunic and ripped trousers. Dudley was to be a prince, and so Petunia made him a simple doublet-like shirt and helped to decorate a tinfoil crown. Tina, however, was to have one of the leading roles. She was to be a masked princess at a ball, who would make Harry, as the poor man, rich. She and Petunia made a pink and orange tulle dress with a brown silk sash to wear, and tied pink ribbons in her hair, but she insisted on making her own mask.

When she made it, it looked frighteningly similar to a gas mask, with reddish-brown stripes on the cheeks and red paint spatters that looked a little bit too much like blood. But she insisted on wearing it with her costume, and on the day of the play everyone agreed that despite her odd costuming, she did a wonderful job with her overly dramatic acting and perfect lines, just as did Harry and Dudley as well. In fact, all three of the children were complimented, much to Petunia and Vernon's delight. And Dudley loved the attention like life itself.

The only issue was when Tina continued to wear the mask every day even after the play, pushed to the side of her head like it was a cheer leading bow instead of a possibly blood spattered gas mask.

xXx

The years passed. After a few more cases of bullying and the increasingly violent magic incidents that followed said bullying, Petunia began to home school the children, something she viewed as both a blessing and a curse, as she got to spend more time with her children and nephew. On the other hand, she was frequently completely lost on Harry or Tina's learning processes. Dudley was fairly average with higher grades in creative processes, but her other two were... frighteningly intelligent, to say the least. Which was wonderful. But she still had to worry about criminal charges on a fairly daily basis. Tina started singing rather unique versions of nursery rhymes: "All around the Sta-actus plant, the stalker chased the bandit, the stalker thought 'twas all in good fun - POP! Goes the bandit!" and continued to wear the mask and try to blow up the neighbors cats, as well as learning the violin at Petunia's insistence that every girl should know an instrument. Tina _loathed_ it, but was forced to continue nonetheless. Dudley discovered that he actually enjoyed acting, and Petunia and Vernon happily signed him up for classes at the nearby rec center, where his dramatic nature thrived, and he finally was deemed responsible enough for Tina's old computer after she made one of her own out of unknown materials and a cardboard box. Harry stayed in the cupboard because there was nowhere else to keep him, but he was allowed to eat with them at the table and occasionally the two attempted to show off their budding magic for the the rest of the family as they got better at controlling it. Harry's magic was flourishing now that he was no longer punished for it. It still bothered Petunia to walk into a room and find random objects hovering midair, or Dudley's hair turned bright pink, but the two were wearing her down. She'd never get quite used to magic, but she would tolerate it. And Vernon got that promotion he was after, with Tina's help, and started coming home a lot happier and playing with the children. The Dursley family was no longer normal, in fact they were now quite the opposite, but they were all a lot happier.

In short, life was good.

Petunia, though, began to dread Harry and Tina's eleventh birthdays.

xXx

Minerva Mcgonagall was bored, although she would never admit it. She always checked the acceptance letters before they went out, going address by address, but after years of the same thing, it was getting to be more boring then it was interesting. The only thing that kept her from abandoning her little tradition right then was the fact that this was the year that dear Harry Potter, Savior of the Light, was to be reintroduced to the wizarding world, and she didn't want to miss it.

Just then, the letter she had been waiting for flitted into her hands. Then... another letter? Yet, that was impossible. Another letter would mean that there was another wizard in the same home as Harry, and they had never heard of such a thing. She double checked the addresses.

Mr. H. Potter. The Cupboard Under the Stairs. 4 Privet Drive.

Miss T. Dursley. The Second Bedroom. 4 Privet Drive.

Not only that, Minerva noticed, but in addition to there apparently being another wizard in the same house as Potter, he was seemingly roomed in a storage compartment.

How strange...

She'd have to tell Dumbledore.

xXx

The first thing Minerva noticed when she and Dumbledore apparated to Little Whinging Privet Drive was the smell. It only grew stronger as they approached the desired house. The stench hung heavy in the air, the smell of magic and burnt earth and... hot chocolate. Then she noticed that almost every house, aside from one across from their destination, had a 'for sale' sign planted in the front lawn, and that some of the homes had bunny faces painted onto the mailboxes and deep gouges in the lawns.

Number four was by far the worst.

The garden around the edges was pristine, yes, but the rest of the house was _slightly_ less so. Chalk drawings and cracks riddled the sidewalk that passed in front of the property, toys and muggle machines littered the lawn, and blackened grass and burn marks dotted the little cobblestone path that led to the front door. The paint on the walls alternated between new and peeling, and a large rainbow lightning bolt was painted onto the garage door. The smell was the worst here, like it was concentrated, hanging in the air like a thick blanket.

Minerva looked to Dumbledore, who was staring at the house with something akin to trepidation in his usually twinkling eyes. A click and a shout made her look back to the house to see several children pour out.

First came a somewhat chubby boy with black hair and a vest and fedora, waving his hand dramatically. He was followed by a blond girl with a mask on the side of her head, who wore a brown overall dress and mismatching shoes and stockings. Finally out tumbled another boy in a pale grey jumper and ripped jeans, with messy black hair and bright green eyes hidden behind blue cat eye glasses. Beneath the thick black fringe of his hair, Minerva could just barely see the dreadful lightning bolt scar.

Harry.

The three children were laughing. At least, until they caught sight of Minerva and Dumbledore. Then the boy in the fedora slipped away quietly into the house, leaving Harry and the other girl facing them.

"Hello," Dumbledore began kindly, taking a step forwards. "My name is Albus Dumbledore, and if you would just come along with me-"

Moments after his foot met the ground Minerva saw Dumbledore's blue eyes widen and he jumped back again. There was suddenly a small muffled explosion, the smoky white blast sending up clumps of grass and stones, and the girl began to laugh again and wave a small black box shaped object in the air.

"Woohoo! Make it RAAAAAAAAAIN!"

Just as the girl started to dance like she was some sort of tribal warrior, Harry held out an arm to stop her, and finally spoke up. "Aunt Tuney said not to talk with creepy old bearded men wot we don't know, 'cause they're probly kidnappers. Therefore, until Dudley brings back Aunt Tuney for further ruling on this matter, we are within our rights to protect ourselves. Tina, make kaboomaboom." He announced solemnly.

As her world dissolved into more blasts, Minerva suddenly realized that this was going to be one of those days.

xXx

When Dudley came running into the kitchen with his hat crooked and started dramatically babbling about an old man with a beard and an awesome blue costume and a lady with a pointy hat who were apparently trying to kidnap Harry and Tina, Petunia's heart skipped a beat and she ran to the front door as quickly as possible, with Dudley huffing and puffing behind her.

She was greeted with the sight of two strangers; a severe looking woman in black robes, and indeed, a pointy witches hat, waving a wand in the air to protect herself from little white explosions that erupted on her previously calm-ish lawn. Closer to the door was a man with a long white beard, wearing pale blue robes and simply walking closer, sidestepping and avoiding all the blasts. Tina and Harry stood on the steps, Tina with a little handheld remote in her hands and Harry with an arm raised in the air, grinning like mad as he suddenly made rocks appear out of thin air and fly towards the man, who seemed rather taken aback as he finally gave up on avoiding all dangers and waved his wand, making a silvery sphere appear around him.

"TINA MARIA DURSLEY AND HARRY JAMES POTTER, STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!"

It was like the world froze. The rocks halted mid-air, and explosions stopped. Harry and Tina stopped moving at all, Harry stuck with his hand out and Tina hunched over a remote, both with their eyes wide and panicked at being caught. Even the two strangers stopped moving, eyeing her with an expression of awe. Behind her Dudley gasped dramatically, making her fight a tiny smile despite the dire circumstances.

"What," She demanded, her hands on her skinny hips. "do you think you're doing?"

Harry was the one who spoke up.

...Eventually.

"You said that if strangers talked to us and tried to get us to go with them, we were supposed to say no and defend ourselves." He said, his voice tiny.

"Defending yourself does not mean that you can destroy my lawn, Harry!" Petunia screamed at him, and he flinched before nodding guiltily. There was a crackle in the air as his magic went to work, and burn marks disappeared, grass regrew, and a few of the gouges filled as well. Tina joined him, her magic flaring and snapping as Petunia's senses, and filled a few gouges too, as well as fixing a crack in the fence that had been there for weeks.

She vaguely registered Miss. Figgs finally coming out of her house to check what was going on. Luckily, Petunia was long past caring what the few remaining neighbors thought. Any ones who stayed were obviously crazy, anyhow.

"Better." Petunia consented to the two eager to please children, before turning her attention to the man and woman, who were staring at the now tolerable state of her lawn with gaping mouths. "Well? Are you coming in or not? I have a cake in the oven."

"Wut wut, Mama?" Tina shrieked. "You're inviting the kiddie 'nappers in!?"

"They're not kidnappers, they are here to take you to school." Petunia announced before turning and proudly marching back inside. A few moments later everyone followed, with varying expressions and a few sulky faces.

Before following the others in, Tina turned to Harry. "I think that's worse, right?" She whispered.

"I believe that further data is needed, Sis. But if the old man offers you candy, punch 'im in the balls and we'll grab Aunt Tuney and Dudley and get out of here. I'm still not sure they're not kidnappers."

xXx

In hindsight, maybe Albus should stop offering everyone sherbet lemons.

xXx

The first time Harry saw Diagon Alley, he was speechless.

Just not speechless because of what one might think.

"So wait a sec, you just 'ave this _huge_ wizarding version of a shopping mall in the middle of London, and all wot you 'ave to hide it from non magical beings is a little pub and a brick wall that _literally_ just needs to be tapped a few times to go away?" He asked Minerva, who had been dumped with him and the three Dursleys by Albus after his... unfortunate incident with Tina's very capable little fists.

"The Leaky Cauldron is charmed so that no muggle can see it." She answered dutifully.

"But... Mum could see it. And me." Dudley chimed in helpfully.

"Ah, true, but that is only because you know what magic is."

"So if, say, Dudley was secretly evil, which honestly I sometimes consider with all seriousness considering how dramatic most TV villains are," Here Dudley laughed in a rather dramatic, maniacal manner for emphasis, "...then all he 'as to do now is let leak to a few people that magic is real, and then they in turn leak the information further, and eventually half of the _world_ can now see the Leaky Cauldron, and therefore gain way to this unguarded, veritable treasure chest?"

"...Well, you have to use a wand to gain entrance into the actual alley, and be magical to properly use the wand..."

This time it was Tina who chimed in. "One word. Blackmailing!"

xXx

After a long argument with Harry Potter and Tina Dursley about security, of all things to argue with children about, they began to gather school supplies for the two students to be. And that was... both a blessing and a curse, honestly. Minerva appreciated, on some level, how curious the children were. It was good to ask questions, and even if Petunia had failed in every single other aspect of parenting, which she obviously had not, she would have at least excelled in putting an inquisitive mind in her children that covered for any of they're other faults. They were definitely eager to learn.

The only issue was that they were just as critical as they were curious, and so unusual for their age that Minerva began to get a bit of a headache. They formed theories left and right, some completely childish and others surprisingly insightful. They somehow managed to define their views of each aspect the wizarding world with just one glance, but still remain open minded all the same.

For instance, it was clear that both Harry and Tina already found magical to be superior to muggle. In fact, despite the fact that this put him at a disadvantage, Dudley believed this too. Yet, when they told her this, they also listed several muggles and muggle inventions that went against this belief, including everyone from Pharaoh Hapshepsut to Elvis and everything from visual kei to grenades. They seemed to grudgingly accept that there were anomalies to what they believed, something that Petunia bragged about to her for a bit. She seemed almost scarily proud of Tina and Dudley, and only slightly so of Harry. The obvious show of favorites concerned Minerva a bit, but Harry seemed happy enough for now, so she left it be.

xXx

The trip to Gringotts was without a doubt, one of the most surreal and concerning moments of Minerva's career. The first thing that happened was when Harry saw the warning carved into the door, reading:

" _Enter, stranger, but take heed_

 _Of what awaits the sin of greed_

 _For those who take, but do not earn,_

 _Must pay most dearly in their turn._

 _So if you seek beneath our floors_

 _A treasure that was never yours,_

 _Thief, you have been warned, beware_

 _Of finding more than treasure there._

Harry happily explained that it wasn't so much a warning against thieves, as it was a challenge to them.

The entire way down to Harry's vault, Dudley and Petunia were screaming, Tina was laughing, and Harry was asking the goblin questions about security whose future applications greatly worried Minerva until she ultimately told him "Harry James Potter, you are not breaking into Gringotts!" To which both he and the goblin just grinned first at each other and then at her, making a chill rush up her spine. Also worrying were the events following his seeing the inside of the Potter vault set aside for his schooling.

"Tina. Dudley. I forsee _many_ a kaboomaboom in our future. Are you two on board for this?"

In sync, the other two saluted, raising their hands to their brows and then sweeping them straight out to the side, holding them out as if they were holding flags. "Aye aye, Captain! 'Til the end!" They chanted.

"That's right, men! And lady. Now let's go get us some ice cream and crumpets, 'cause turns out wot I'm rich!"

"Yayyyyy!" Tina screamed. "I'm gonna eat so many goddamn crumpets, it's going to be a Crumpocalypse!"

Minerva felt a strong sense of dread come over her at the possibility that Harry Potter was going to spend his entire inheritance on crumpets for his little sister the moment he was old enough to inherit it. It took her almost thirty minutes to explain to Petunia and the children that they couldn't take it all at once until their schooling was complete. Although the vault was strictly only for Harry she ended up agreeing to Tina being able to use it as well since there was more then enough for the both of them.

xXx

Of course, it all went to hell the moment they passed a pet shop on the way to the sweets shop. Minerva had just thought she was getting a hang of the strange family, when all three children immediately bolted for it, Dudley significantly slower and Tina in a manner that was a cross between a skip and a lope. Harry reached it first and immediately zeroed in on a snowy white owl, muttering a few promises to it before venturing with Tina and Dudley towards the snake section.

"Oh, another one, I suppose." Petunia sighed as they crossed the street to join the children.

"Another? Another what?"

"Oh, another snake. They already have four, you see they love them so much, especially Harry and Tina, but even Dudley likes them and I simply cannot say no to him, now can I? Oh, I love them all, of course, but Dudley is special to me. Harry is brilliant with the magic thing and and he can beat the whole local chess club at chess, and Tina is an absolute genius at just about anything mechanical and just so adorable, but Dudley is mine, you know?"

Was Tina adopted, Minerva wondered. That would explain the lack of resemblance with her family. Her big stormy eyes and willowy body fit with neither the fat blue eyed Vernon, nor the bony and hazel eyed Petunia.

"And I suppose one more snake wouldn't hurt, now would it? As long as it isn't really poisonous, of course. That black cobra of theirs is plenty enough of dangerous creature in the house for me, thank you very much."

Now that made Minerva pause. "Excuse me, a cobra, you say?" She asked, and Petunia nodded as they entered the pet store to look for the three. "Why would you let them keep such a dangerous pet? Don't you worry that it will bite?" Maybe Petunia was a bad parent after all...

However, the other woman just laughed at the witch's question, as if it were some great joke. "Oh, it's not as if it's going to bite _them_ , is it? I'm sure that you of all people, as a magical person yourself, would know that. No snake is going to bite them if told not to, now is it?" McGonagall was just about to ask what she meant by that when they found the trio they were looking for.

Found them hissing at a shelf filled with tanks of snakes, in fact. Minerva paled. Even Dudley, the muggle of the three, joined in, sounding significantly stupider while doing so but hissing all the same. As the two woman watched, one stunned and the other as if this was an everyday occurrence, Harry poked him in the ribs.

"Dudley, watch it! You just called her a seasick frog!" He scolded, now in English, nodding to the brightly colored snake that the portly boy had just moments before been conversing with, who now looked mildly offended and insulted.

"Did I really? Sorry, I couldn't tell the difference. It all sounds the same to me sometimes."

"Of course you couldn't tell. You're a muggle, you cannot speak to snakes naturally. What were you trying to say, I'll 'ave to repeat it to her."

"I wanted to tell her that her crest looks like lion fish spikes, and that it is really cool looking, and that she should totally wear black because it would make her look more stage worthy."

"...I'll just tell her wot you like her crest, 'kay? 'Kay." Harry turned to hiss at the same snake again, who indeed sported a crest of striped spikes on her delicately shaped blue head. Once he was done she hissed back, now looking rather flattered as far as snakes go, before nodding in thanks to Dudley.

Harry Potter was a parselmouth! And Tina, too!

"Moooom, can we get this one?" Dudley called out moments later. Minerva jumped as Petunia hissed in reply. Unlike with Harry, though, the sibilant sound was heavy and awkward on her tongue. Actually, Harry was the only one who did sound completely natural, even Tina's hisses were slightly harsher then Harry's soft, crooning ones. Though maybe that was just the way she always talked. Minerva wasn't exactly an expert on Parselmouths.

"Aunt Tuney, you just told us that you like pineapple. Methinks you maybe meant somethin' else."

"Oops. I was trying to be cool. I meant yes."

They left the shop with the snake and two owls, the snow white for Harry and a barn owl for Tina. They were all allowed to name one creature apiece. Thus, the snake was dubbed Vivien Leigh by Dudley, the Snowy owl Hedwig by Harry, and the Barn owl was instead named Beth by Petunia after a few too many suggestions by Tina.

Minerva decided right then and there that she would warn the sorting hat not to sort either of the two children of this family into her house. Gryffindor was already enough to deal with without the two terrors.

(I thought I should clarify, Tina isn't a parselmouth. However, some of my favorite fics have had someone besides Harry learning the snake language from him teaching them it, and I thought it would be fun if he had taught his siblings the language as well. Tina will be better at it then Dudley, yes, but she simply picked the language up better, and does not have any Slytherin blood to her, nor is she another horcrux.

Also, I want to say to _never_ trust children alone with snakes that are venomous or over two foot long. In regards to this, Petunia is actually a _really_ bad parent.)

xXx

After the much enjoyed stop to eat ice cream and crumpets and many additional sweet snacks, they stopped at the robe shop. Minerva figured that if there was anywhere she could leave the family alone, it was here in the care of the squat little red-clad witch Madam Malkin, so she temporarily abandoned them to go have a much needed tea break across the street so that she could easily see if the shop suddenly burned down.

Petunia and Dudley made themselves comfortable on a padded bench alongside a blond witch who eyed them rather disdainfully, and Harry and Tina were immediately led to the back section and stood up on stools with their arms out so that little floating tape measures could take their measurements. Harry was so occupied with observing the tape measures and wondering how he might be able to use such things for world domination- er, helping to save the environment, that he only looked up when someone cleared their throat and Tina kicked him from the next stool. He looked up to see that they weren't the only ones there. Another stool was occupied as well, by a blond boy with pale skin and slicked back hair, who was glaring at him expectantly.

"I said, I'm Draco Malfoy, and you are?" He demanded.

Harry shrugged. "Harry Potter." He said, at the same time as Tina announced "The Eternal Empress of Doom, Tina Dursley, Destroyer of Cats and Lover of Tea Parties, at your service!"

The boy stared open mouthed at both of them.

"Well, _actually_ , Ti's not a real empress. And she 'as yet to actually destroy any cats, she just tries a whole lot." He admitted, and Tina whined at having her "absolutely awesome introduction ruined by a kajigger like 'im."

Surprisingly, though, the boy seemed more interested in his ordinary introduction then Tina's extravagant one, anyhow. "You're Harry Potter?" He asked excitedly, his silver eyes wide and his pale skin flushed with excitement.

"Yes. Why else would I say wot I was? Or wait a tic, let me check somethin'..." Harry paused to think, tilting his head to the side. "...Nope, definitely Harry Potter. No clone would know that."

"Know what?" Tina asked. The measuring tape was currently measuring the space between her pointer finger and elbow.

"Telling you here would be a security risk." Harry answered, causing Tina to retreat and pout, before batting away his own tape as it tried to measure his eyebrows.

Why would it even need to measure his eyebrows?

...Eyebrow robes?

...Were eyebrow robes an actual thing in the wizarding world?

"I can't believe I met Harry Potter..." Draco said, before an odd expression came over his face and a polite mask visibly came into place and he suddenly straightened, before extending his hand to Harry. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He said. Harry glanced at Tina for a moment, who was watching the conversion with a somewhat concerning amount of awe, before shrugging and shaking the other boys hand. He had long since given up on making sense of Tina's thought processes.

"Likewise." He said as Draco also shook Tina's hand, though she showed a lot more glee at the action then he did.

They chatted awkwardly for a few more minutes before Draco was told that he was finished and he hurried away with the blond woman from earlier, calling farewell over his shoulder, saying that he'd meet them on the train, maybe?

"Hey, Harry." Tina said happily. "Do you know what that means? That we made a friend! Oh my crumpets, that's never happened before!"

Harry found, to his great annoyance, that she was right. Figures that they were so weird that they could only befriend someone named _Draco_.

xXx

Last stop of the day was to Ollivanders for wands for the two Hogwarts students to be.

Tina sneezed the moment she stepped into the dusty old shop, which simply brought up more dust into the air. Petunia was scowling at the messy shop, and Dudley looked spooked, but Harry was grinning. Tina mentally shook her head at her thinner brother. He was such a zounderkite.

Dudley almost screamed as a old man with wild grey hair suddenly popped up behind the desk, and it took a very reprimanding look from McGongall to shut him up afterwards as they approached the man.

"Ah! Welcome! I am Ollivander!" The man began. "Wands for these two lovely and terrfiying children, I'm assuming?" He asked, gesturing to Tina and Harry and making the former giggle. When McGonagall nodded her head in the affirmative, he grinned mischievously. "Oh, goodie. Well, ladies first! Come on up here, little miss!" He told Tina with a smile, and she smiled right back as she stepped closer. He promptly dumped a few boxes that seemed to have materialized out of nowhere into her hands. "Try these! Remember, just give them a flick!" He ordered. Tina opened the top box to find a long, thick greyish stick, and after a warning from her mother to actually do as told, obediently flicked it.

The counter top caught fire.

"I want this one." She told Ollivander seriously after McGonagall had put out the threat of flames, but he simply shook his head and pulled the wand from her hands.

"No, no no no. Not a good match. The correct wand will send off sparks for you, not set my shop aflame! Try another." So Tina grudgingly tried the next, a dark brown wand with black ribbon wrapped around the handle.

Long, thin boxes of wands flew off the shelves behind the counter.

"Try the next!" Ollivander ordered as he put the boxes back.

Tina steadily worker her way through the whole pile until one box was left. She pulled the wand out of its thin box. It was longer then any of the others, and had a pretty caramel tint to the grain with delicate carvings of roses and butterflies with broken wings etched into the wood.

She flicked it.

A rainbow of multicolored sparks poured out the end, snapping in the air like a muggle sparkler before disappearing.

"Oh! That's it! Ceder, seventeen inches, Dragon heart string core, and rather sturdy!"

Harry was eventually given an Ebony wand with a Unicorn core, (1) after trying a Holly and Phoenix wand that nearly blew up the entire store front. Ollivander seemed rather disappointed after that happened, even after the store was repaired by McGonagall. As they left, Tina heard him saying how that it would have been much more poetic if the Pheonix wand had worked.

What a gobermouch, she thought as she followed her mother out the door.

xXx

When McGonagall finally dropped them back off at home, Tina was exhausted. And full of crumpets. So the first thing she did was loudly proclaim "Naptime!" And throw herself onto her comfy bed, right over the mass of mismatched comforters, not even bothering to properly insert herself into the mess. They poofed out around her, leaving a little Tina shaped hole where she lay. Petunia shared her sentiment, and so sent the boys off to bed as well, despite their complaints. On the way past, on her way to make sure that Dudley was indeed in bed, Petunia paused to look in at Tina. And she smiled.

Tina's room matched the girl. Pale pink walls that were originally plain had since been spattered with paint and other mysterious liquids and covered in papers and posters, some blueprints and others just childish crayon drawings that any other little girl would draw. Her carpet, once pale blue, was now stained from years of mud being tracked in, and Petunia could see a wet spot beside the girls desk turned cluttered workbench, where a little green can leaked an unknown substance onto the carpet. Semi-organized piles filled the corners, and little bits of metal littered the pink rug that was in front her four poster bed. Her weird looking, handmade computer sat on the ground against one of the wall, the keyboard and little mouse on a Pokemon desk pad. And amid of mass of pillows and blankets on the bed, there was Tina herself, having only slipped off her shoes and mask before laying down.

The room was just as bizarre as the girl herself.

She traveled on to Dudleys room, and found that same as Tina's, this room matched the occupant just as well. Dudley's walls were eye catchingly bright blue and covered in posters from various movies and video games, and his single small bookcase sat next to his meticulously organised desk, and was stuffed with plays and comics and books on acting, and his closet was stuffed to overflowing with costumes and toys. His mattress sat right on his hardwood floor, which was scattered with legos and other little toys. A few cloth totes were in the corner, which was where the legos were actually supposed to go, but Petunia knew better then to honestly expect that. And indeed, Dudley lay on his striped blue duvet, glaring at her for sending him to bed so early.

"Get some sleep." She told him one last time before going back to check on one last child, Harry, before maybe taking a nap herself and then cooking dinner.

Harry's cupboard... She sometimes felt somewhat guilty about keeping him there, but ultimately didn't care, and besides, there wasn't really anywhere else to put him. The house only had three bedrooms, and she couldn't put him with Tina, or, god forbid, Dudley, so ultimately he was left. But he was allowed a more comfortable bed, and they let him put a few shelves up to hold his books and action figures. And he kept the smallest snake tank in there with him, the one with the little grass snake that he had convinced to follow him home one day. Of course, when he actually asked for the tank to keep her in, Petunia had said no and flung a plate at him, but then Tina got herself interested in the grass snake too, and in turn Dudley, so she'd eventually caved and gave him a little plastic two gallon fish tank. It now sat next to his bed, filled with dirt, moss, an upside down mayonnaise lid filled with water, a few rocks, and of course a little green garden snake. And, like everything else in the cupboard, there was a little lightning bolt etched into the plastic rim. It was Harry's little mark.

Except for the garage door, which was not little at all. And still needed to be painted over.

"Aunt Tuney," Harry began as soon as she opened the door. She internally sighed, recognizing the signs of _A Talk_. These conversations always ended with a headache.

"Yes, Harry?" She replied. That nap was now a definite.

"You may want to sit down. This will take awhile." She complied, backing up into the sitting room and making herself at home on a couch. Harry followed, but stayed standing. He was rarely allowed to sit in here, and more comfortable standing anyway.

"Now, we are both aware wot I am the least favored of the children living here." He began. Petunia internally moaned. She'd known this talk would come eventually. "And I more or less understand why. I understand wot you 'ad some major disagreements with my mother, and that years later I was dropped off on your doorstep, because, according to the weird old man from earlier, who I now greatly regret telling Tina to punch between the legs for offering her candy, some evil dude viciously murdered my parents. So I see where it would be a little awkward. And I get it! I really do. And yeah, I know that you've gotten better since Tina turned out magical too. I mean, you feed me now! And you don't regularly refer to me as a freak anymore! So that's really great. I mean, good for you, you're a good mother figure now!" If she hadn't thought it was unladylike, Petunia would have been rolling her eyes by now. "Anyhow, I'm getting off subject. What I'm trying to say, is that I'm aware you don't like me as much as Tina and Dudley. And also wot I don't mind."

Petunia blinked. That was a bit surprising. She'd always assumed that Harry resented her and just hid it well.

"I mean, no lies, I do resent you a teeny tiny bit." Oh. Figures. Forcing a kid to live in a cupboard all his life did have some side effects, apparently. "But just a smidgen. I mean, you're not the worst you could be, as I stated earlier. You keep me fed and watered, clothed, you 'ave even bought me glasses!" He said, pointing to the marbled blue cateye frames he wore. "Which are really helpful, by the way, it helps when I'm not tripping, running into things, and mixing up small objects. So, basically, what I'm trying to say, is, I don't hold it against you. You 'ad reasons to do what you do. I personally don't think they're the greatest reasons, but I accept them. So, that's all I wanted to say, shall we declare an understanding and just go on the same, Aunt Tuney?" He asked. Petunia nodded. "Great! Now, I believe we 'ave naps to get to? And by the way, I'm pretty sure wot it's not cool to send eleven year old's to bed. It's just plain offensive."

"Too bad. To bed, mister."

"Well, I tried. G'night, Aunt Tuney. I mildly enjoy your presence."

"And I mildly enjoy your presence too, Harry. Also, I expect you to weed the garden, wash the car, and vacuum the upstairs tomorrow."

xXx

The day Harry and Tina were dropped off was a sad day for the Dursleys. The two had already packed everything they would need for school, all their clothing, and the snakes and owls, (minus the corn snake and albino milk snake, who Dudley would be keeping for company while his siblings were gone, much to Vernon's annoyance as he was slightly less enthusiastic about his children's obsessions with snakes then Petunia was. The woman was happy to see her children connecting to nature, as this was something all her books on homeschooling greatly recommended, but her husband slightly less so.)

Harry's cupboard was empty, and Tina's bed was stripped of it's usual mismatched patterns. The house seemed a bit empty.

On the way to the train station, Dudley broke down in tears in the backseat, sobbing about how, even with "Janet" and "Milky," he would be just so lonely without his brother and sister. He then made them swear to send letters and treats, and to ask if he could visit. Petunia didn't even have the heart to remind him once again that Harry was technically his cousin.

And once there, Petunia directed them to the place she had said farewell to her sister, all those years ago, and hugged Tina goodbye. And then she hugged Dudley too, because he was crying again. How she'd ended up with such a weepy son when the other two had never cried in their lives was beyond her. And as the two disappeared, Tina yelling goodbye and Harry waving over his shoulder, Petunia felt a little bit of her heart break.

Because it would be a long time until she could walk into a room and find random objects hovering midair, or Dudley's hair turned bright pink, again.

And believe it or not, Petunia Dursley, formerly normal housewife, would actually kinda miss it.

 **Part Two**

Tina was, as she followed her big brother through the crowds at the train station, both filled with insurmountable happiness, and a deep existential dread.

One one hand, she was going away to learn _magic_. As in spells and curses. The neighborhood cats would stand no chance!

On the other, she was _going away_ to learn magic. As in, far away, to a school in Scotland. She wouldn't even see the neighborhood cats for a loooong time. Or anyone from home, for that matter, besides Harry.

Thus, Tina vowed to stick to Harry like Elmer's glue to Dudley's armpit hair.

Yes, there was a story to that particular example.

No, don't ask.

xXx

Harry struggled through the crowd to the train. Halfway through he grabbed Tina's hand so that she wouldn't be separated, because no matter how annoying this crowd was, he would never wish to unleash an anxiety wrecked Tina into it. No one would survive if he did, himself probably included.

When they finally managed to get onto the train, Harry found them a compartment on the end, where they put up their trunks and luggage, and the various tanks and cages. Vera the grass snake, The Taiwan cobra, whose name was Enoch for some unimaginable reason that Tina had come up with, and Vivien were let out of their tanks and allowed to slither about freely, but they soon coiled up on the nearest available heat source, namely, Harry's lap.

"Why do they always like you the best?" Tina complained, reaching over to run her hand over Viv's crest. In response the snake flattened the spikes, making it easier for Tina to continue, which she gladly did, playing with and adjusting the spikes as she went.

"I don't know. I know Enoch doesn't like Dudley as much because he's not a natural speaker to them, but that doesn't explain you, since you're magic like me."

"Yeah, maybe. I still had to learn from you, though, so doesn't that make me the same as Dudders?" Tina asked, using the fat boy's ridiculous nickname. Harry shrugged.

"I do not believe so. You were slow, but you caught on a lot quicker then he ever did. If pressed for an explanation, I suppose wott you can learn naturally, but are just not as good at it as I am. Maybe you're just better at other things? I imagine wot even if all magical people can talk to snakes, some are better at it then others. For instance, McGonagall looked to be 'aveing trouble following our conversation with the snakes in the pet store, but she 'ad no issue putting out a fire and fixing an entire store front."

"So you think I'm just good at other things? Like what?" Tina asked, leaning away and taking her hand from the now drowsing Vivien's head to clutch her stuffed rabbit closer to her side. She'd mostly outgrown Mushy Snugglebites, but decided that this adventure very much required the little creature.

"Death and destruction. Planning the demise of the entire feline race as we know it. Worrying. Fretting. Utter annihilation. Big kaboomabooms. Art. Fire. Acting. _Grenades. Planning tea parties. Creative naming._ " Harry answered. He was just about to continue with all the other things Tina was good at when the door banged open, and in popped a red headed boy with mass amounts of freckles.

The new boy had just opened his mouth to speak when he stopped, frozen as he stared at the three snakes on Harry's lap, who had stirred upon the arrival of a new person to their immediate vicinity. Vera barely moved, but Vivien flicked her tongue out to taste the air and Enoch hissed a string of rather colorful words at being woken from his short nap. Leave it up to a cobra to be dirty mouthed.

"Yes, how can we help ye, petty mortal?" Harry asked, smiling as welcoming as he could. Maybe this would be another friend, like Draco?

"Pett -wha- there are snakes on your lap!" The boy spluttered.

"Yes. Yes there are. I am Harry Potter, that's my cousin Tina Dursley," He pointed to her and Tina waved and grinned maniacally. "and the snakes are Vivien Leigh, Vera, and Enoch. You are?" Harry asked cheerily.

"Vivi- Eno- HARRY POTTER!?" The red head boy exclaimed. Enoch hissed a warning.

"Yes, Harry Potter, would you mind keeping it down? You're annoying the snakes. Now sit down and tell me who you are!" The boy gulped when he heard the snakes were annoyed at him, but complied, putting up his trunk and a small cage containing a rat before sitting down next to Tina in the spot furthest from the serpents. Tina grinned at him again before scooting over to make more room.

"I- I'm Ronald Weasley, but you can call me Ron! Are you really Harry Potter?" He asked. Harry quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes. Last I checked I am. Why does everybody continue to ask me wot question?" He wondered aloud, and Ron snorted.

"Because you're the savior of the wizarding world! Wait- can I see your scar? Ooh, can I _touch it_?" He asked, looking oddly breathless. Harry suddenly recalled a very unsettling pamphlet he, Tina, and Dudley had once been forced to read by Petunia, about the dangers of "child predators." Maybe Ron was not friend material, then.

"Er... Which one would you like to see?" Harry asked, now slightly wary.

"The one on your forehead! Wait, how many do you have?"

"Uh... Many. However, seeing as you just wish to see that one, that is all you will get." Harry decided, before lifting his messy curls off his forehead. Most of the other scars, which had been gained from "play battles" between him and Tina, were scattered all over his body, and he'd have to take off or pull up his clothing to show them.

Ron gasped loudly when he saw the scar. Harry instantly understood. His scar was pretty awesome looking. After all, of all his scars, this was his favorite, if it was possible to have a favorite bit of unhealed flesh. It was shaped a little bit like a lightening bolt, and was where he had gotten his symbol that he left like Tina left her bunnies. It started just over his eye and went through his eyebrow to mid forehead, jagged and attention drawing when he let it be seen.

"Right. Glad you like it, then. Now why did you want to see it, again?"

"Because it's the scar! _The_ scar!"

"And why is it _the_ scar?" Tina chimed in, looking curious.

"Huh? Don't you know? Have you not told her, Harry?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Told her what?" Was the flat response.

"About where you got you're scar! You know, how You-know-who gave it to you on that night?" Harry's brow furrowed. You-Know-Who was... something important... Aha! His parents murderer! And that night probably referred to when they died! Ah, maybe that wasn't something to be happy about, actually, all things considered...

"Right. So. Tina. This crazed murderer dude gave me this scar after killing my parents. I remember absolutely none of it, but apparently he tried to kill me and failed and died himself, because duh, I lived and am here right now and he isn't. Obviously. The end."

Tina nodded enthusiastically, drinking up the whole thing, but Ron eyed him dubiously.

"I don't think that's how it went." The red head said, and Harry shrugged noncommittally.

"Yeah, well, goodness know that you, who weren't even there, know better then I, who was. Well, go on then Ron, tell us what you think happened." He snapped despite truthfully having no clue what was going on.

Ron looked a bit taken aback by the sarcasm, but plowed on nonetheless. "Well, my mum said that it was during the height of the war. You-know-who came after your parents, and was told where they lived by a Sirius Black. He killed them both, but when he tried to kill you too, Harry, something went wrong, and instead of killing you, You-know-who himself died. At least, that's what my mother said. And all the books when I looked you up when I was younger." Wait, Ron had looked him up? Like, purposely looked him up? Intentionally found all the information on Harry that he could? Was Ron a stalker _and_ a predator? Or a blackmailer? Dammit, the first person Harry met on the train, and he just had to be a creep. Figures.

All his friends were either going to have ridiculous names or be stalkers, weren't they?

As Harry was busy committing this all to memory and leaving notes to himself to avoid Ron's creeper tendencies in the future, Tina raised her hand. "Why do you call this guy You-Know-Who? Is that his real name? If so, that's awesome!" The little blond girl exclaimed, tossing Mushy Snugglebites into the air and catching the rabbit a few times as she spoke.

"Well, no, we just don't say his real name..."

"Why? Ooooh, is he like Beetlejuice? If you say his real name too many times, does he suddenly show up? I wanna try!" She said, but Ron shook his head. "No, that's not how it works? Huh. Well, still, You-Know-Who is too long of a name. I'm going to call him... Tom. That way it's Tom and Harry. Not Tom and Jerry, but close enough." Harry snickered, but Ron just looked confused.

Poor kid. Had he not had a childhood?

At that moment, there was another knock on the door.

"Coooooom iiiieeeeeen!" Tina sang, and the door slid open to reveal a pale, aristocratic face and blond hair that was familiar to Harry and Tina.

"Harry!" Draco exclaimed. "I looked all over for you! Hey, Tina." The blond boy said as he stepped in and put up a trunk, before pausing and looking around. "One, oooh, a Crested Nymph Serpent, and two, what are you doing associating with a _Weasley_?" Draco asked, pronouncing Weasley like it was the name of the most dastardly disease ever.

Harry shrugged. "Yeah. Her name's Vivien. And I honestly do not know why I am associating, to be completely honest. Is that something bad? He 'as just invaded our compartment and asked to see my scar, and then told me wot he internet stalked me when he was younger."

Draco raised an eyebrow at the red head boy, who turned red and sputtered. "I- I did not! Wh- what's "internet stalking"?"

"Looking up information on somebody and excessively following their actions through media, rather then in person. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite glad you didn't actually stalk me in person. I 'ave issues with people watching me sleep, for some unimaginable reason." Harry said sarcastically.

Draco laughed. "While I wouldn't put it past a _Weasley_ ," there was that pronunciation again, like Weasley was synonymous with dirt. "to go overboard and do something like that, you are something of a public figure, Harry. Even I read books on you as a child." He said, before squeezing in next to Harry, being careful not to disturb the snakes, which Harry appreciated. They'd drifted off to sleep again after the earlier episode when Ron came it, and he'd prefer they stay that way if they were going to have company in their compartment.

"Well that's not creepy at _all_."

"It isn't?" Tina asked. "I'd have thought it would be. Oh, Draco, you should pet Vivien's crest, she likes it." The girl advised wisely, before turning back to Ron, who was as red as a tomato at this point. "So are there really books on my brother? I never knew that." Ron's eyes widened almost comically, and Draco froze.

"You're siblings?" They asked at the same time, then each glared at the other as if he had somehow mortally offended them.

"Meh. Kind of." Harry said at the same time as Tina happily pronounced "Yep! He's my big brudder!" The other two stopped glaring to switch their gazes to Harry and Tina, one after the other.

"Uh, she's technically my cousin. We were just raised together." He explained.

Tina shrugged. "Cousin, schmusin. He's still the perfect accomplice. Dudley can't keep secrets, and he can't run fast enough from the explosions, so I can't work with him. Har's good, though. Very agile. Perfect for dodging flying debris."

xXx

After a few minutes of trying to explain things but instead just making it even more complicated, Draco said something that so greatly offended Ron that the red headed stalker boy had to leave, muttering goodbye to Harry and Tina as he left and slamming the compartment door shut as he went. This woke the snakes, this time including even Vera. Draco took Viv and Tina took Vera, leaving Harry with Enoch, who was once again hissing dangerously at being woke. A few of the particularly colorful things he said had Tina giggling and Harry covering his face at his snakes language. Soon though, the comments progressed from violent to jokes about blonds that were completely inappropriate, considering he was in the presence of two. Over the years, he still had yet to learn any decent jokes, apparently. However, Tina seemed to find them amusing as always, and Draco said nothing, so Harry let him off with just an silencing glare.

For the third time, there was a knock at the door. This time, when Tina gave her customary "Cooooooom iiieeeeeen" it was a girl with bushy brown hair and soft eyes of a shade matching her hair that entered. honestly, she looked somehow inexplicably otter-like.

"Excuse me," she began. "But have you seen a toad? Nev- Oh." She stopped, eyeing the snakes. Harry internally rolled his eyes. What was it with people seeing the snakes and stopping? "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was interrupting a- a club? Is this a snake club? Is that a thing at Hogwarts?"

"Just Slytherin." Draco assured her.

"Oh! I read about that. Slytherin is one of the four houses. They prize ambition and cunning, right?"

"Yeah." Draco confirmed smugly. "My family has been in Slytherin for generations. Has yours? I don't really recognize you."

The girl faltered a bit. "Oh. Well, I imagine I'll be in either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor, actually." She said. Harry didn't miss that she had technically not answered Draco's question, but the other boy seemed more distracted with her answer so he left it at that.

"Really?" Draco whined. "Gryffindor? Why ever would you want to be with those dorks? They're the absolute worst! Ravenclaw at least is suitable," He asked, sounding slightly offended that she had even considered the house of the brave.

Before the girl could reply, Harry spoke up. "We 'ave seen no toad, but if you do not mind, you're invited to join us for a bit. Here, 'ave a seat." He said, pointing to the spot by Tina that Ron had abandoned earlier. When she had sat down next to the blond girl, he continued. "Now, how about introductions? I'm Harry Potter, pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Oh! I've read about you."

Draco sneered. "Everybody has. I'm Draco Malfoy."

Tina was next. "I'm Tina. And this is Vera!" She said, holding up the little grass snake, who had been happily melted into her lap moments ago, and seemed quite bemused by the change from warm lap to high in the air. "Harry had Enoch, and with Draco, that's Vivien, Vivien Leigh. And actually, these are all mine and Harry's. But if there is a snake club at Hogwarts, we're totally going to join it, right guys?" She babbled, and both Harry and Draco nodded.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I'm Hermione. Nice to meet you all." The girl said, and pushed a mass of frizzy hair from her otter-like face.

Of course she was going to have a weird name, why hadn't Harry known?

xXx

Tina giggled as she put Vera back into her little tank. She had just secretively hissed something very amusing about Hermione's bush of hair, but Tina knew she didn't mean it, as the grass snake had sat on the other girls lap for quite a while and been very content there.

They had changed right before pulling into the little lamplit station that was the end of the Hogwarts express, changing in the compartment, first girls and then boys, and moving in her new uniform felt strange. The skirt was longer then she was used to and her legs felt bare without her leggings. But she'd happily ignored the black uniform stockings in favor of her usual mismatched ones, and the same with her school shoes, wearing instead her usual Mary Jane and sneaker.

And of course, the mask remained safely strapped to her head, like always.

After all the snakes were safely in their tanks, Hermione departed to go find her luggage and a boy named Neville, because apparently she was supposed to have been looking for his toad all this time. Draco, Harry, and Tina all evacuated the compartment, dragging their things with them, and after dropping it off then went over to join the growing crowd around an enormous man who was yelling "Firs' yers, firs' yers!" into the night.

"That's Hagrid." Draco whispered conspiratorially to Harry and Tina. "He's a half breed; half human, half giant."

Tina's eyes lit up. "Ooooh, really? That sounds awesome! I wish I was half something. Like- like- half mermaid!"

Harry shook his head. "No, mermaids aren't mischievous enough. You'd 'ave to be half pixie, or something else suitably chaotic."

"Can I have wings if I'm half pixie? Because I was really looking forward to having super long pretty fins if I was part fish person." She told him, waving Mushy Snugglebites in his face pointedly.

"Hmmmm..."

"No wings." Draco chimed in. "You'd probably have a crest and leave dust everywhere, though. And I bet you'd be blue."

"Really? A crest? Like Viv's? With stripes and everything?" When Draco nodded, a jealous look came over her face, and Harry groaned aloud. "Then I wanna be half pixie. And shut it, Har. Oh, there's Hermione!" Indeed, the buck toothed girl was making her way closer, and she reached them just as Hagrid started speaking again, telling them to follow him. The group was led to a bank, and before them stretched out dark water with no end in sight. Little boats floated and bobbed in the water, just visible in the moonlight, and they were told to get in.

Once the four were in, the boat moved on it's own, making Hermione shriek and the boys laugh. Tina leaned her head over the edge, and saw fins and tentacles moving along the surface, exposed only by the little lamp that hung on the front of the boat. She reached into the chilly water with her free hand, and felt something squishy and cold brush her hand, making her giggle. She wondered what would happen if she threw a grenade in?

Eventually, gasps made Tina look back up, and she saw the castle. It was big, huge, massive, and the lights shining out the windows looked like thousands of matches lit. The boats ground to a halt and people started getting out of the boats, but Tina stayed for a moment, looking.

She offhandedly wondered how many of her favorite grenades, Fuster Clucks, it would take to burn the entire place to the ground.

xXx

Harry noticed out of the corner of his eye as a peculiar expression come over Tina's face, and though, _Oh no, it's started already. Must distract her before she plans the entire school's destruction._ So he grabbed her free hand that wasn't holding her bunny, and started pulling her as Hagrid headed off towards the castle. In response Tina grabbed Hermione hands, who made a surprised face, before resignation replaced it, and she in turn grabbed Draco.

So there they were, a train of four first year Hogwarts students, dragging each other along up the slightly slippery path that the giant man led them on, the first one skeptical to the say the least, the second laughing, the third confused, and the fourth caught between scowling and joining the second in her laughter.

Only when Hagrid left them off in McGonagall's care did they bother to let go of each other, just in time to be led into the great Hall.

xXx

 _"Oh you may not think I'm pretty,_

 _But don't judge on what you see,_

 _I'll eat myself if you can find_

 _A smarter hat than me._

 _You can keep your bowlers black,_

 _Your top hats sleek and tall,_

 _For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

 _And I can cap them all._

 _There's nothing hidden in your head_

 _The Sorting Hat can't see,_

 _So try me on and I will tell you_

 _Where you ought to be._

 _You might belong in Gryffindor,_

 _Where dwell the brave at heart,_

 _Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_

 _Set Gryffindors apart;_

 _You might belong in Hufflepuff,_

 _Where they are just and loyal,_

 _Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_

 _And unafraid of toil;_

 _Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_

 _if you've a ready mind,_

 _Where those of wit and learning,_

 _Will always find their kind;_

 _Or perhaps in Slytherin_

 _You'll make your real friends,_

 _Those cunning folks use any means_

 _To achieve their ends._

 _So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

 _And don't get in a flap!_

 _You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

 _For I'm a Thinking Cap!"_

The dirty old hat sang from it's spot on the stool, effectively making Harry smile, because really, of all the ways to sort new students, they had to use a _singing hat_. Further away, he heard the familiar voice of Stalker Ron telling someone that he'd thought they'd have to fight a troll to be sorted. Harry vaguely imagined Tina fighting a troll, and decided that the hat was actually not that bad of an idea.

The sorting ceremony began, and numerous names were called, each girl or boy sitting to have the hat placed on their head for a few minutes before it would call out "SLYTHERIN!" "GRYFFINDOR!" "RAVENCLAW!" or "HUFFLEPUFF!" at the top of its lungs, and then be followed by applause as the newly sorted would run to their new table. Of their little group of four, Tina was called first, and she attracted an odd amount of stares. Then again, she did skip up to the stool, and pirouette before plopping down on it, her mismatched shoes and stockings being kicked up in the air before she finally stilled enough for a frazzled looking McGonagall to place the Sorting Hat on her head.

She waited for about ten seconds before the hat began to speak aloud.

"Why, I thought it would never again happen! To think, I can finally have the honor of sorting another one! I can hardly believe! I've waited for so long, I'd almost thought that there would never be another worthy of this house! I sort you into the fifth house of _**DOOM**_!" It bellowed, wriggling excitedly on Tina's head.

There was a clap of thunder, which caused many an eye to raise to the enchanted ceiling, which had earlier been explained to Harry by Hermione. The previously peaceful and starry sky portrayed there had now changed to stormy skies with glimmers of electricity hiding in the heavy, dark clouds. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shot down into the back left corner, illuminating a small table there that no one had really seen before.

Silence reigned in the hall, broken only when Harry began to loudly clap for his sister, eventually followed by awkward applause from Draco and Hermione, which eventually spread through the rest of the hall. Tina, with a manic grin, hopped off the stool and shoved the hat forcibly to McGonagall, thanking it profusely before rushing off to a little table in the corner with a gleeful whoop.

(So like, I couldn't put Tina in Slytherin because she's not that kind of person, but I didn't want to put her in Gryffindor because that would just be _chaotic_ , and the idea of Ravenclaws even surviving with her in their usually calm, studious house was just laughable. I considered Hufflepuff, but then realized that Tina would probably somehow kill Cedric, and then the entire fourth year's plot would never work, so. I took a page out of Less Wrong's marvelously surreal book, (Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, greatly recommended) and sorted Tina into the house of _**DOOM**_.

As for the others, Draco just belongs in Slytherin, no questions asked, and Harry will no longer be suitable for Gryffindor in this story even if he is still the self-sacrificing bastard that we all know and love, and Hermione will not want to be lonely, for some odd reason known as _She's a Human Being and She Needs Friends Who Aren't Stalkers Like Ron,_ and will also go to Slytherin. And yes, she'll probably be bullied a bit, but at this point she has Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter on her side, both of pretty good blood and socially powerful people, and some of the people probably think she's a half blood or something since she got sorted into Slytherin anyways. Yes, this will includes Draco. He's a bit tiffed about it, but he still likes her, and half blood is better then mudblood. No clue when he'll find out the truth...)

xXx

Draco was sorted into Slytherin, much to the blond boys immense pride, Hermione noted, as the blond boy practically stalked over to his new houses table. A few more names were called.

Harry would definitely go to Slytherin too, she figured. Anyone who talked to him even a little bit could tell that if anyone deserved to be in the house of ambition and cunning, it was him. He was an obvious leader already, and even on the train he'd seemed able to pick up on the slightest hints of discomfort in her, manipulating every conversation into more suitable directions for her, so that the question of her blood never even came up. She was immensely thankful for it.

Meaning that, unless she was sorted into Slytherin, she'd be separated from her new friends, because she was fairly sure she had no chance of getting into Tina's weird house. And Hermione was terrible at making friends, in fact she wasn't really sure she'd ever had any before who weren't just talking to her so that they could copy her test answers. So she _really_ wanted to cling to these new people who didn't seem to want to use her, or think she was a know-it-all despite how many times she had accidentally mentioned memorizing her textbooks or her studying plans for the future. In fact, Harry too had apparently read the books, and they had talked about them on the train, much to the boredom of the two blonds who shared the compartment with them.

And just from speaking to Draco, she gathered that being sorted into Gryffinodor wouldn't be the best for her relationship with the blond boy, right off the bat. The boy absolutely hated Gryffindor. Harry and Tina may stick to her, but she couldn't be sure, and besides, three friends were better then two.

So with those thoughts in mind as Harry pushed her forward to be sorted, she decided.

She'd just have to forget about Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, and try to get into Slytherin, because she sure as hell wasn't going to go through magic school with no friends like she had with its muggle counterpart.

xXx

Minerva was still somewhat shook by the girl, Tina Dursley's, sorting, even after multiple others had been sorted into the normal, suitable houses. She'd never even heard of a fifth house, let alone a student being sorted into it, and apparently the Hat had shared similar thoughts, if "Why, I thought it would never again happen!" was anything to go by.

The house had not existed for a long time.

Where was this " _ **DOOM**_ 's" dorms? Who was it's founder? Did it have a head of house?

She looked down at the list to continue, still with no small amount of dread.

"Granger, Hermione." She called, and she saw Harry Potter push a hesitating girl with a bush of brown hair forward. On the way up the stairs, her look of hesitation was replaced by determination. When she placed the hat on the girls head, it ended up over her face, flopping down to cover her stubborn looking eyes. It took her a good six minutes to be sorted, before the hat made a rather resigned sound and yelled "SLYTHERIN!"

The girl practically skipped over to sit next to a grinning Draco, who greeted her with a nod of his head and scooted over to make room.

A few more names, and then she had no choice but to call the name of someone whose sorting she absolutely dreaded.

"Potter, Harry."

The Great hall filled with excited whispers as the boy paraded up from the thinning crowd of those who remained to be Sorted, a look of calculated curiosity on his face, his black bangs flopping down to partially cover his scar, and his green eyes startling against the bright blue of his glasses.

The hat was barely on his head, and only muttered, "Oh, lots of plans for world domination in here, aren't there?" before it shouted "DEFINITELY SLYTHERIN!"

Amid the ensuing silence, Harry hopped off the stool and had the nerve to give her an impudent little wave and a saucy wink as he headed towards his new table, where Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger welcomed him with big smiles on their faces and another place to squeeze into. There was a loud whoop from the back left corner that had many jump and another loud clap of thunder from the painted sky of the Great Hall's ceiling, which had mostly returned to normal by now. A quick glance behind her revealed Severus Snape twisting what looked to have once been a pure silver fork in his bare hands, a complete lack of any emotion on his face which made Minerva somewhat fear for her life.

She promptly called the next name.

xXx

Maya was having a very nice day, sipping a cup of very nice heavily sugared white tea, when out of nowhere a peace of parchment popped into existence right in front of her, fluttering for a moment before stilling in midair.

She promptly shot it a few times, to the surprise of the other guests in the tea house, before realizing it was just a bit of parchment and therefore was not likely a threat (you can never know for sure) and snatching the newly holed paper out of the air to read it.

 **"Dear Maya,"** it read in simple print. The ink was thick and dark blue, smeared into elegant swirls at the end of certain letters, and somehow all the sentences was still intact despite the multiple burn marks and bullet holes that riddled the thick paper.

 **"Enjoying your break? Get up. And quick, you _lazy excuse for a head of house_! A student was sorted into our house, pay more attention next time! Can You come now?**

Maya sighed, before gulping down the rest of her tea and paying at the counter, then calmly walking out of the little shop into the streets of the nameless little magical village, the letter crumpled in her fist. There was a near non-existent pop as she apparated to just outside the wards of Hogwarts, near the Forbidden Forest. As she looked up at the great castle, a happy smirk crossed her face.

"Hmm... out here, this silence reminds me of the abbey..." She murmured as she started walking, the ancient wards of Hogwarts first shrinking back from her, and then enveloping her as they recognized her long missed presence. "...I hated that god damn abbey."

xXx

Harry looked up as Tina bounced over, sliding into the seat next to him and beaming around the table as she latched onto his arm. "So, I hope you don't mind, but I got lonely sitting at my table, so I'll just be joining you and robbing your plates until the end of the meal!" She announced, before reaching across the table and not-so-subtly taking Draco's dinner roll.

"Uh-huh." Harry replied, before snatching Hermione's roll as well. "I shall join you, in this case. Hermione, cease your gaping before a fly goes in, and proceed with your conversation making. Magical pests?" He asked. However, his bushy haired refused to close her mouth, and with a jolt Harry realized that she was actually looking behind them, not at them. He quickly twisted his back, to see a bluish-purple glow had enveloped the doors of the Great Hall. Just then, the glow disappeared, causing the doors to slam inwards in a rather dramatic way, casting yet another silence in the hall that night. How many times had that happened already tonight? Harry was absently reminded of Dudley, and felt a small twinge in the bottom of his stomach as he suddenly missed the fat drama queen.

Er, king.

People began to gasp as someone appeared, the staff all pulling out their wands and pointing them directly at the person who was walking through the great doors. Whoever it was slammed the great slabs of wood behind them with a simple wave of their arm as they confidently approached the staff table.

It was a woman, Harry saw as they got closer. Blue hair cut short in the back and long in the front, dark blue lipstick on thin smirking lips, tight fitted yellow and black robes with a ripped sleeve that exposed many pale blue tattoos running up her left arm.

She paused just before the staff table, and looked back and forth over it, before settling on smiling at the apprehensive professors, then turning and setting her hands on her hips as she surveyed the hall.

"I'm back, bitches!" She shouted, loud and clear.

"How did you get in? Who are you?" McGonagall demanded, looking alarmed at what was apparently a complete stranger who had somehow managed to sneak into the castle. Harry was certain they'd have to fix their defences, because as it was, what was there to stop some troll lumbering in or something?

The woman turned to the professor and shrugged. "What can I say? Hogwarts adores me, crazy old chunk of rock that she is. Anyhow, don't I get any welcome backs? Hugs, books, guns, or something?"

Silence greeted her.

"Really? Nothing?"

Beside Harry, Tina rose a bit, and leaned back on the bench to wave. "Welcome back!" She yelled.

The woman grinned at her. "Why _thank you_! Nice to see someone not stuck up and boring in this old place."

"No problem." Harry added as Tina plopped back down. "Forgive the mortals, they seem to 'ave this strange aversion to awesome people. Aside from Draco and Hermione, of course." He corrected himself, nodding towards the other two Slytherins, who looked at him like he'd just signed their death warrants before each meeting the others gaze and shrugging before halfheartedly calling greetings of their own. Hermione even produced a book out of seemingly nowhere and waved it in offering.

Obviously, they were quickly getting used to life around the two. Harry approved, one should always be adaptable.

"Ah! Well, pleasure to meet you all." The woman said, before turning to face the staff table once more and slamming her hands down on the table. A few wands had drifted off target by now; they all immediately refocused on her. "You wouldn't happen to know who was sorted into the house of ** _DOOM_** , would you?" She asked Dumbledore, who twitched back slightly before smiling.

"Lemon drop, my dear girl?" He offered, looking like he couldn't think of anything else to say.

It was the second time that week someone punched Dumbledore between the legs.

Tina stood up on the bench to get a better view of the headmaster. "Ah, that would be me! The name's Tina! And nice hit, by the way!" She yelled, waving again.

"Ah, thanks, Tina. By the way, I'm Maya, your head of house. Pleased to make your acquaintance!"

After taking a seat at the stone still staff table and staunchly ignoring the silence as she ate, nobody saw Maya for several more days but unusual and increasingly violent noises kept coming from the 7th floor corridor, especially around an old portrait of Barnabas the Barmy. Since no one really knew where the house of _**DOOM**_ 's dorm room was located, Tina was given a cot and slept in the Great Hall until such time as the crazy woman showed up again. The little blonde girl was actually quite happy with the arrangement, proudly telling her three friends that this way, she was always first for breakfast.

 **Part Three**

"Voltaire!" Tina loudly announced in the halls the first day into their Hogwarts education, where she had been walking with Harry, Hermione and Draco on the way to class. This resulted in several things that forevermore would puzzle all witnesses.

For one, her uniform instantly disappeared in a small puff of pink smoke, leaving her in what could best be described as Loli Goth, comprised of a high-necked and frilly collared dress with puffy sleeves, short ruffly belled out skirt that looked greatly similar to a chandelier, and black metallic corset, with an array of tiny pale pink bows nestled in around her mask and up the sides of her white fishnet stockings.

Secondly, something similar happened to Harry, as green smoke enveloped him before disappearing, leaving his uniform replaced by a long black and silver silk coat with black fur adorning the shoulders, black leather pants and boots, streaks of blood red appearing in his hair where it peaked out from under an antlered silk hat, and a heavy silver chain with a old fashioned key charm was suddenly hanging around his neck.

Thirdly, thunder cracked somewhere in the background despite it having been a perfectly nice day, and several snakes hastily abandoned ship as they slithered from the two, knowing full well what was about to happen and quite intent on seeking cover.

"The Night!" Harry answered.

What followed has since been referred to as one of the most spactacular song and dance numbers to have ever occurred within the halls of Hogwarts as the two cousins whirled and danced, preforming waltzes, tangos, and ballets while Harry sang and Tina revealed an immense talent for playing the violin, despite her grimacing with disgust the whole time, all while their fellow students looked on in utter bafflement.

A few minutes later and it was over, and the costumes disappeared, Harry and Tina going back to normal and wordlessly continuing to walk down the halls on the way to their first Potions class, snakes and classmates trailing.

Not a word was spoken. There was no proof of this having happened, aside from a few memories that no one really thought to extract. A few rumors went around, but otherwise no one really spoke of the incident. However, after this occurred, several witnesses, all muggleborn, started wearing keys around their necks, and never told anybody why.

xXx

Snape watched with no small amount of trepidation as the last of the Slytherins, Gryffindors, and the one "Doom" trickled in, conversation immediately hushing as they all entered his classroom. It was to be his first class with the first years of these classes, and he was dreading it. For one, _Gryffindors._ He _despised_ Gryffindors. For two, _Potter._ He'd been limiting his contact with the Potter spawn to the barest of his duties as his head of house, and even then he had to repeatedly fight the urge to remove every single house point and assign a million detentions to the Potter spawn. If it wasn't for the small detail that Potter's house was his own house as well, he no doubt would have done it, too. And finally, thirdly, was the mystery student, _Tina Dursley._

After her name had appeared among the Hogwarts acceptance letters, Dumbledore had flown into a fit of sorts, desperately trying to find out where the girl had come from, and her relation to Harry. He'd been in such a fuss that Snape had snapped, irritated by the headmasters constant nagging him for any information, he'd accidentally taken points from a _Slytherin_. Suffice to say, when Dumbledore had returned from meeting her and Potter the next day, without McGonagall and limping heavily, Snape had felt a rush of cruel amusement and satisfaction. Yet, the entertainment she provided aside, Tina Dursley was a true wild card, something that he did not fancy.

For that matter, so was Potter.

He started taking roll call, all students answering with "Here!" until Dursley's name passed with a heartfelt call of "There!" and several more names down, he paused at Potters name.

"Ah, yes," he said softly, "Harry Potter. Our new—celebrity." He looked up, and met eyes that looked achingly similar to Lily's. The boy and his cousin were haunting the back corner of his classroom, joined by none other then his own godson Draco, and the only mudblood he could recall ever associating so well with a Malfoy, and a girl with an oddly cute, otter-looking face, named Hermione Granger. The four sat close together, so close that Granger's bush of brown hair was brushing against Dursley's muggle gas mask.

The boy winked. _James bloody Potter's son had just winked at him, and done so in a rather suggestive manner._ Snape sneered, and the boy smirked right back, seemingly oblivious to the strange looks his classmates were giving him, barring of course his cousin, who surveyed the scene with what seemed akin to approval in her stormy ocean eyes.

Snape cleared his throat before continuing. "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but they caught every word—like Professor McGonagall, Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort. Mainly through intimidation. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death—if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach." Two giggles came from the back corner, one eerily similar to what James Potter's had been, and the other high and scratchy and rather insane sounding. Snape sneered.

"Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of Wormwood?" He asked, instantly hating himself as he processed what he'd just said. _I bitterly regret Lily's death._ Oh well. No way the boy would be able to decipher the message that his mind had somehow made without his knowing it. How many eleven year old boys know the flower language, after all?

"...That depends whether or not you were to add Aster blossoms to it, sir, and how many." Snape's black eyes widened the tiniest bit. Well, so much for the "How many eleven year old boys know the flower language, after all?" theory. _Two Aster blossoms, I share your sentiments. One aster blossom, I will think on it._

"Let's try again, Mr. Potter. Where would you look if I told you to find a bezoar?"

The boy grinned, the off white of his teeth gleaming a bit in the shadows he sat in. "Well, wot depends. I person'ly don't 'ave any desire to chop up a goat and rifle through it the poor mite's stomach, so I'd check at an apothecary, but to each their own, I s'pose."

"What is the difference, Potter, between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?" Snape asked, suddenly enjoying their exchange in a way that surprised him. This was Potter's spawn, after all, and the boy's bold behavior made that fact all the more obvious. Yet seeing those green eyes shining with amusement behind glasses that looked nothing like Potter's had, made him soften a bit. And that silly wit was nothing like the brazen impudence Potter had, either.

"...Aconite. I can relate to that... The answer is none, Sir. They are the same." _Aconite, misanthropy, a dislike of other people. Harry Potter didn't like most other people._

And James Potter would have never bothered to learn something silly yet fascinating like the language of flowers, either. No; the boy was all Lily, he could tell already.

Snape gave fifteen points to Slytherin, five for each question answered correctly, causing the Gryffindors to groan, and set about describing the lesson to his students, getting another bout of groans from the Gryffindors as there was a flurry of movement to grab the good cauldrons. He absently noted that Potter paired up with Granger, and Dursley with Draco. Both pairs still stuck close to the other, though, and Snape felt a tiny smirk grow on his lips for a moment before he once again schooled his features, traumatizing only a few with the sight of him smiling.

Lucius would no doubt have a heart attack when he heard that his son was fast friends with the Boy-Who-Lived and two muggleborns.

xXx

Draco sighed in relief when Snape came to grade their potion and it had yet to blow up, no thanks to Tina. She'd been trying to add strange ingredients the whole brewing process, much to his annoyance, Hermione's disapproval, and Harry's amusement. After Harry and Hermione's potion had been graded as well and all received points to their houses, much to Hermione's teacher's-pet-esque glee, Harry leaned over.

"Whyddaya think I claimed Hermione first?" He whispered. "I've know Ti my whole life; this was a matter of my survival, savvy? Oh, and by way... duck." The green eyed boy advised, before grabbing a still rather pleased looking Hermione and dragging her with him on his quest to get to the floor as fast as possible. Draco turned to look, and with a yelp did just as Harry had said, dropping to the ground just as light blasted from the cauldron and Tina was thrown back several feet.

"What?" The little blond girl asked, before scrambling to her feet and dusting herself off as the entire class watched in silence. Snape was glaring at her, Draco saw, and he felt a sudden rush of pity for the house of **_DOOM_** , because they would no doubt be losing many points at any moment now. "I just wondered what would happen if I added Lily of the Incas, Heliotrope, and Violet petals." (2)

"Fifty points from **_DOOM_**."

"Hah! I've reached the negatives already!"

xXx

Most of the Transfiguration class, which consisted of Slytherins and Ravenclaws, was focused on Harry, who in the absence of Tina had apparently taken the position of the most turbulent student. Hermione especially was staring, her soft brown eyes wide and slightly panicked.

"Uh... Harry? That's not... we're supposed to be transfiguring the matchstick into a needle, not a..." Hermione looked down at the sword which lay on the desk. It was probably as long as she was, so long it hung off the edges of their desk, and with a thick blade, sharpened to a silvery edge. Bandages were wrapped thickly around the long handle, tying off with a long strip dangling from the end of the handle.

"Zanpakuto?"

"A what?"

"...Note to self, no one at Hogwarts will ever understand my references. Moving on." With a tiny wiggle of Harry's near-black wand, the sword shrunk, into a tiny, inch long needle. "There, is that better?" Harry asked the visibly trembling Hermione.

"Ten points to Sytherin!" McGonagall called from across the room, sounding rather begrudging to be awarding a Slytherin anything. "For being the first to successfully transfigure a matchstick into a needle."

"Thanks, Professor!" Harry called cheerfully as he once again changed the needle, this time into a small pen, which he clicked and laughed as it transformed into a sword.

xXx

Meanwhile, as Harry was busy pretending to be a demigod, Tina was with the Gryffindors, busy learning charms. She sat in the back, as usual, away from the Gryffindors, a longing look on her face as she stared at the big cuckoo clock on the wall, waiting for Professor Flitwick, a tiny man who Draco had told her was half goblin, something she greatly envied, to finish his lesson and let them out of class so that she could rush right back to her brother/cousin and cling hysterically to him for a bit.

Unfortunately, their lesson had begin less then five minutes ago, and Flitwick had only recently finished his introduction and began on the actual lesson.

"Swish and flick!" The little man ordered from where he sat perched upon a stack of books, looking unreasonably cheery to Tina as he wiggled his wand to demonstrate. Did he not see that she was missing her sibling? Honestly!

All around her, Gryffindors began twisting their new wands about in the described motions, muttering "Wingardium Leviosa!" under their breaths in a manner nearly as ferocious as Dudley muttered his lines before a play. Oh, Dudley, she missed him. Her fatter brother was a bit annoying sometimes, yes, but she loved him. No; she adored him, just like she adored Harry. And her mama, and her papa, even if the former wasn't the best teacher and did look remarkable similar to a horse, and the latter gave her overly sweaty hugs and always tried to treat her like she was a normal girl, who was interested in frilly dresses and tea parties. Well, maybe she was interested in tea parties, but frilly dresses? She couldn't care less! Overalls and leggings were so much more efficient for running from debris... but enough chasing rabbits, the point of this all was that _she loved her family_ , not her _opinion of her new school robes_ , which by the way, she thought far too uniform, and could use a bit of personalizing... maybe some lace trim? A tool belt?

A not-so-subtle cough brought Tina back from her personal thoughts on fashion, _honestly she didn't get why people likes high heels, they were no good for running in_ , to the short white bearded man who stood in front of and exactly level with her desk, an expectant smile on his wrinkled bearded face.

"Miss Dursley! Having trouble, are you?" Professor Flitwick squeaked, holding his hands behind his back. "Well, just for you, do what you can and I'll help!"

He sounded remarkable similar to one of her fifth grade teachers, who had been of the opinion that just because Tina wasn't joining the others in multiplication meant she couldn't calculate faster then an actual calculator. She'd shown him rather quickly, to the glee of Harry and Dudley, who had been sitting with her in the back of that classroom, that the exact opposite of what was thought was often actually the truth when it came to the Dursley family.

"Wingardium Leviosa." She intoned slowly, casting her mind back to the exact sound and syllables the short professor had used when he cast the charm, making sure to stress everything perfectly. Sure enough, the feather she'd cast it on floated obediently up on the first try, much to Flitwicks excitement, as he hopped up and down and congratulated her before awarding _**DOOM**_ ten points.

Luckily, it was only after he had finished saying as much that the feather began to quiver in the air, before there was a muffled kaboom and a small mushroom cloud appeared where the feather had been previous.

"...That's normal, right?" Tina asked the teacher, who was now staring up at the little bit of remaining smoke with horror in his eyes.

As it turned out, no, it wasn't. However, Charms within the week become one of Tina's favorite classes despite the absence of her Harry during it, if only because she managed to complete every single charm flawlessly before inexplicably making whatever object it had been cast on explode. She also never once failed to get Flitwick to reward her her points before the explosion, and so the house of _**DOOM**_ finally managed to scrape itself out of the negatives.

Besides that, she also had quite a bit of fun making everything explode as close as possible to Stalker Ron.

xXx

Unfortunately for all involved, the two members of the Dursley clan both deemed Defense Against the Dark Arts to be boring. And so Tina herself took it upon herself to solve this great issue by attempting to cast "Wingardium Leviosa" on their stuttering professors turban.

The result was interesting, to say the least.

For one, Tina's spell failed to make the gaudy purple head piece explode; in fact it failed to do _anything_. The turban stayed situated firmly on Quirrel's head. Almost as if it was charmed to stay there...

And secondly, was the great change of manner Professor Quirrels went through soon after. He seemed to completely change personalities. In fact, Harry vaguely wondered afterwords if their professor had a mild case of Multiple Personality Disorder. While the spell Tina had cast had failed to do anything, he seemed quite angered nonetheless. Why, he even lost his stutter, about two minutes into screaming threats and terrible, unrepeatable phrases at Tina, who for once in her life, saw fit to cower before anyone other then Petunia.

He then loudly announced that class was over, took another fifty points from _**DOOM**_ , and stomped from the room muttering about how he was going to "kill Quirrel for this disgrace."

Which greatly surprised Harry, considering he himself was Quirrel.

xXx

Harry, to Tina and Draco's glee and Hermione's terror, took to flying like a fish to H2O.

You see, Stalker Ron had decided that catching up Harry in the air, and therefore with no place to run, was the ideal place for a conversation!

One "accidental" shove off his broom by Harry later proved him wrong. And, since Snape happened to be watching, won Slytherin ten points for "Displaying the proper decorum when dealing with obstacles in the air." (3)

Ron, of course, could not catch the message, and continued to harass the two cousins.

xXx

When Maya finally showed up again, it was just as dramatic as the last time. Or actually, no, it was more.

This time she blew the door off the hinges.

But Tina continued to sleep in the Great Hall, for unknown reasons, until eventually the professors cornered Maya and the blue-haired witch admitted that she'd forgotten where the dorms were after they stopped letting her in. She had caused a few more explosions in the dorms than normal for a student in her time, and that was saying something for a _**DOOM**_ student, she bragged. Though she expected Tina to try _just_ as hard, and that in the meantime, surely the Great Hall would do just as well.

She was promptly hexed by Flitwick.

 **Part Four**

Christmas Break rolled around with little fanfare, aside from the usual chaos that seemed to follow Harry Potter and Tina Dursley everywhere. For instance, a troll that attacked Hermione on Hallows Eve after she had been picked on for her dirty blood by the snootier Slytherins, and promtly left to cry- Er, plot the downfall of all her enemies. In a bathroom. Luckily, after dinner was so rudely interrupted by Quirrel when he warned them about the pre-mentioned troll in the dungeons and all the houses were sent to their dorms, which may it be added, Slytherin and Hufflepuff dorms _were in the dungeons_ , and Tina _slept in the Great hall anyways_ , Harry and Draco had remembered why Hermione was absent from the chaos, and set off to rescue her. The result was a masterfully dismembered troll, some lightning bolt graffiti on the doors of the stalls, and two rather shell shocked Slytherins after witnessing their green eyed friend laughing maniacally as he happily slaughtered a rather dumb troll.

Finally it was the day to go home and everyone was boarding the train, and Harry discovered that his name was not on the list, something that struck him as especially odd _because he could remember signing in quite clearly_. Obviously, someone was trying to keep him at Hogwarts, though for what reason he could not imagine.

So, of course, he did the logical thing and asked Tina to stay there with him. She was a bit disappointed that she wouldn't be seeing the rest of her family, but admitted that even if he hadn't asked her, she'd be miserable if she went without him, because there would be no one with which to run from the authoriti- er, play with.

So they both stayed, much to the dismay of almost everyone else staying, aside of course from Flitwick and Stalker Ron, the former who wanted to practice for charms with Tina over break and the latter who was still desperately trying to be friends with Harry via constant conversation attempts. Unfortunately for Ron, this only fueled the two's belief that he was a stalker.

"So... is it just me, or is his persistence actually kind of admirable?" Tina asked as the once again escaped Ron be ducking down a few random corridors, until they reached an abandoned classroom and were able to slam the door behind them. Hopefully the simple barrier would be enough to hold Stalker Ron at bay.

"Most definitely just you," Harry panted as he turned to lean against the door, before gasping. "Oh."

Pushed against the opposite wall of the classroom was an old antique mirror, twice as tall as Harry and just as wide, looking almost like a window frame from a cathedral, with two long points sticking up on either side of the frame, words in old fancy script running between them.

"Oh!" Tina squeaked when she saw it too, before a familiar look crossed her face and Harry had to grab both of her hands to prevent her casting 'Wingardium Leviosa" on it.

"No Ti! Bad Tina, no! No blowing up priceless antiques!" Harry snapped as he held them, and all he got in return was a slightly abashed grin.

And then Tina's wand exploded.

Or rather, a bright light exploded from the tip without the aid of any incantation, hurled itself at the mirror, and shattered the poor thing into a million pieces, raining tiny glass particles down over them that Harry had to cast "Protego", another spell he had learned for avoiding Ron, to block. The shards bounced off the shield, creating tiny tinkling sounds, filling up the silence as Harry wordlessly glared at Tina, who looked up at him with wide nervous eyes.

"I! Uh! I dinnae mean to!" She yelped to her brother as his grip on her hands tightened to near unbearable, and he still hadn't spoken a word. But Harry could tell that Tina was telling the truth; Tina hadn't spoken a word. Her wand had just shot of a blasting curse unaided.

Only Tina could have a want that did such a thing, only her.

He just wanted her to think that he thought she had done it herself a bit longer. After all, a guilty feeling Tina, whether what had her feeling guilty was actually her fault or not, was always a Tina willing to share her dinner with him.

Finally, the glass tinkling ended, leaving only deafening silence and Harry glaring at his sister/cousin, who was now fidgeting wildly and trying to wriggle her hands away. Just a little bit longer, and he'd had double dinners for a week.

Harry practically cried out in frustration when a chuckle filled the silence, and Harry released her in order to turn to Headmaster Dumbledore, who was apparently another stalker. "I'm sorry, Sir. We'll fix it right away." He grit out through his teeth, noting down Dumbledore's name in his mental list of grudges to hold.

It was a long list.

Dumbledore chuckled. "While I'm sure you could, Harry, let me." He said jovially, and with a muttered "Reparo" and a flick of his long thin wand, the glass was reforming itself, shards fitting together again like puzzle pieces and stone chunks melding back together seamlessly, until there again the mirror stood against the wall, as pristine as ever. Harry and Tina watched in fascination, Harry wondering how this spell could aid him in world domination, and Tina wondering how to negate it's effect for future explosions. "There, that's better! Now, I see you two have found, and apparently blown up, the Mirror of Erised! An excellent defense method against such things, assuming they can be damaged by such explosive measures!" The old man chimed, and Harry blinked.

Huh?

"The- um, the Mirror of wut?" Tina asked from beside him, having recovered from their Headmasters absolute barmyness first.

Birds of a feather squawk together, or something like that.

"Why, the Mirror of Erised! Didn't you two see the writing when you looked into it?" Harry looked up, and finally was able to make out the words in the stone. _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi..._ What was that supposed to mean? Harry want through almost every code he knew in a split second, before looking closer and realizing the answer was something even a child could figure out. Well, a normal child, who wasn't Harry Potter.

Backwards letter engraved on a mirror, I see what you did there, he thought. _I show not your face but your hearts desire._ Show my desires? As if when you look into it? Wait a moment... was the mirror a cursed object?

Dammit, now Harry would owe Tina _his_ dinner for blowing the mirror up and saving them from whatever the curse was, not the other way around!

"Er, many thanks, for the lovely compliment, then, but if you don't mind, we 'ave to go..." Go get Tina some crumpets that is, and maybe butter her up some so Harry would only have to share a few dinners...

Dumbledore gave a little gasp, then gave Harry a searching look. "But, don't you want to tell me what you saw in the mirror?" He asked slowly, like one of those parent tricks where they tried to get you to do what they want by suggesting it in a way that made it seem like you would be the one getting something out of it.

"No."

Harry had been using those tricks on Dudley since the day he turned five and tricked the other boy into giving him a piece of his cake, he didn't know why Dumbledore thought it would have any effect on him.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely so?" Dumbledore was starting to sound worried.

"Yes."

"I really think you should. Getting these things off your chest really helps."

Harry sighed. It seemed he wasn't getting out of this without staring into a cursed object. This had better be safe, if not he'd be suing Dumbledore for all that the old man had.

Harry stepped closer to the mirror, running his eyes up and down it, appreciating the stonework as he went closer. He really did like antiques, and the swirls and peaks in the sandy tan stone were lovely.

When he looked back to the glass, he let out a startled gasp, before narrowing his eyes.

"Well boy? What do you see?" Dumbledore asked. The question was mimicked a few moments later by Tina as she bounced up beside him, staring hard into her own side of the glass before blushing wildly and backing slowly away.

Harry had absolutely _no_ desire to know what she had seen.

"Nothing, really. Just me and Tina. Uh... my scar's missing." Harry made up, and Dumbledore seemed to deflate.

"Not anything else, boy? Not your family, or anything?"

"Nope." And Harry swiveled on the spot and stalked out of the room, followed by a still blushing Tina and a bewildered looking Dumbledore.

And in the mirror, the image of himself waved after him, as did the smirking Darkrai floating above his reflection.

How did the mirror know he'd always wanted one of those?

xXx

On Christmas Eve Tina stayed in Slytherin dungeons since they were mostly empty aside from Harry and Professor Snape, who the entire time was giving her looks that alternated between neutral, annoyed and ready-to-tackle-her-and-send-her-to-prison-right-then-and-there, the latter two both expressions which Tina recognized through previous experiences in her eleven years of life.

At present, though, they were in the great hall to eat dinner. Across from them sat Stalker Ron and a third year Hufflepuff girl who kept trying to start conversation only to quickly abort whenever Tina mentioned grenades or Harry world domination. In fact, Ron was the only one who conversed with them on such matters, offering advise about magical pranks which involved big kaboomabooms and telling Harry that no matter what, he was not to wear all black, because only evil people wore all black.

To which Harry happily responded, "Oh, fear not. I shall wear only bright and cheery colors, and therefore throw my enemies into confusion. By way, why are you so interested in what I'll be wearing? I know you're a stalker, but that's a bit much..."

Ron reddened and mumbled something about not actually being a stalker, which Tina deemed ridiculous, because Ron was most definitely a stalker. Why else would he keep following Harry around? The fact that there were no other children Ron's age still staying over the holidays was happily ignored.

"So," Phillia, the Hufflepuff tried again. "You like bright colors?"

Harry shrugged. "I suppose. Blue and green and purple, at least. Like the Joker."

Phillia laughed. "Purple? Not many boys like purple. Why do you?"

Harry smirked right back at the girl, who deflated a bit and stopped laughing in favor of playing with her blond braid. "Purple is the color of royalty." He announced, before stealing her dinner roll.

xXx

Christmas day dawned with much jubilation and screeching as Tina took it upon herself to forcefully drag Harry out his bed. The ensuing war resulted in multiple explosions, spell damage mysterious done to only one of the walls, a portrait that vowed never to speak again, a purple bunny with green eyes and a ball of spikes for a tail (Dubbed Thephosilles the Brave by Tina and taken as a pet), and a cloud scented like cherry, aster, and burnt things that would hang around for roughly three days before it dissipated.

After declaring a truce and feeding Thephosilles the Brave and Mushy Snugglebites both a few transfigured carrots, the two headed down to the common room together, fanning away cherry scented fumes as they went and still wearing their pajamas.

The sight that greeted them made Tina scream in terror and hide behind Harry, who simply stood there smirking in amusement.

Snape had apparently fallen asleep on the couch last night after they had headed up, and someone, presumably one of the few other Slytherins who had stayed but also possibly McGonagall and Maya, had left a muggle Santa Clause hat on him. The reason McGonagall and Maya were suspected had something to do with that fact that he also had the words "Minerva McGonagall rocks" painted on his forehead in Gryffindor red, and "I am victorious!" in bright blue and pink on his left cheek.

Why Blue and Pink were _**DOOM'**_ s colors, he would never know. It sounded like the kind of house for something a bit darker. But perhaps it had to do with his earlier decision to only wear bright clothing because it would distract his enemies? If so, the alarmingly neon shades chosen for the mentioned house would certainly do the job.

"Do we wake him?" Tina asked beside him, hand already going for her wand. No doubt about to utter those dreaded words "Wingardioum Leviosa" on their poor defenseless professor.

"Negative," Harry said quite decidedly, before running back up the stairs and reappearing a few moments later, this time clutching a muggle camera. "Better. Blackmail."

And that was why, years later, Snape would end up showing up to class scowling even more then usual one day and teach his students how to make Confusing Concoction filled grenades, a recipe created by none other then Tina Dursley herself, which would later be banned by the ministry after the Weasley twins began making actual use of them.

After they had secured their "Assistance in persuasion" and copied it a few hundred times and maybe or maybe not scattered a few copies throughout the restricted section to be found by whomever, they set about opening their presents, in the process waking Snape, who got one look at himself in one of the giant mirrors on the common room walls, and promptly fled, assigning them detention as he went. He also took fifty points from Gryffindor, though why, neither of them were sure.

"He does realize neither of us is a Gryffindork?" Tina asked.

"Obviously. But McGonagall is. Now in the meantime, I 'ave actually received some presents this year, so 'scuse me as I go obsess over them. Baiiii!" And indeed, obsess he did. His squeals echoed, in fact. But of course, they were manly squeals. "AKGHGAHGHAAH! I got a pair of socks from Aunt Tuney! Best. Christmas. EVER! Ohh, what's this shiny cloth thing?" Harry asked, holding up the starry cloth as the last of the wrapping paper fall off from it. A card fell from the folds and he bent to pick it up, reading it close before shrugging a bit. "There's no name, but whoever sent it says it used to belong to my father. Whaddaya think, Ti? Further investigation, or burn it on the spot because it may be cursed?"

Tina, from where she was happily immersing herself in a pile of sweets the Dursleys had sent her, looked up and shrugged. "Further investigation, I guess. Check who wrote it first, and then ask one of the teachers to check for any spells on it? Can they do that?"

Harry plonked down on a sofa and began to rub his chin in an absolutely not evil manner as he thought over his sister/cousins suggestions. "I suppose there must be spells to check for spells, because that's something wot's so obvious even wizards must have thought of it. But I'm not sure they 'ave ones for checking who sent letters. Maybe something to match writing? Police do that. Remember those documentaries of serial killers we watched? And all the crime shows?"

Tina nodded importantly. "Yes. They're all idiots. Even the really clever ones."

"Really? Why is that?"

If you don't want to get caught, you shouldn't even leave evidence that there was a death. Simply lure them into a dark alley and incinerate the remains. And try to target the homeless; less people care about them."

"...Dearest cousin Tina, have you been thinking about this for long?"

"Yes."

"Okaaaaay then, moving on from my sisters apparently murderous tendencies, what do you think about the cloak?" Harry asked, and Tina shrugged and stood up.

"Simple." She proclaimed, and quick as a flash, snatched the cloak and threw it over herself as she darted out of his reach again. Harry let out a strangled yell and followed, much to Tina's amusement. However, he soon stopped, and once he was simply staring at her lower half with open jaws, Tina decided to follow his line of view and found...

"Eek! Hell, it's eating me! Save me big brudder!" She wailed, and threw the cloak off, fleeing dramatically to the opposite side of the room and nestling herself nice and tight into a corner. However, instead of the intended outcome of Harry utterly destroying the offensive object and coming to comfort her, he instead picked up the cloak as well, and... tried it on?! Tina let out a sorrowful squeak as the cloak began to devour her cousin's body next. He seemed rather happy about that though, if his face splitting grin as he looked down at his disappearing body was anything to go by. Soon he was nothing but a hovering head, and Tina feared the disappearance of that also.

"I am invincible!" Harry cried. "Now I just need some giant magnets and a cell phone."

"Wrong series, Har." Tina reminded him with a slightly worried look towards his nonexistent body. "Are you sure that thing is safe?"

"Oh, yeah. I 'ad researched invisibility cloaks a while ago, just after I discovered their existence whilst conversing to Draco. Apparently, a distant relative of his, a couple centuries ago, used one to conquer a small area of France via "convenient and totally unexplained tragedies" aka, ingeniously planned assassinations."

"And this is an... Har. This is something that makes us invisible?" Harry nodded. "...Hee. Haha. Ahahahah! BWAhAhAhAhAHAhah! We. Can. Become. Invisible! There is no wall which will not live in fear of graffiti from now on! Hogwarts herself shall fear our might! And Evil-Squib-With-The-Cat and his pesky feline companion shall tremble at our mastery of all things mischief making, and never dare to threaten me with detention ever again! MuAhAhAhAhAhAh!" Tina cackled, and indeed, buried deep in the ground, the very heart of the castle shook, and in his tiny cramped office, Filch's cat hissed in alarm.

Only Maya and Dumbledore noticed the movement of Hogwarts, and while the latter flew into a panic, the former just nodded in approval along with her reflection and then shattered a certain antique mirror, smirking as she picked up the tiny little bundle that appeared when the mirror broke.

"Well that was satisfying, huh?"

xXx

The first strike made by the now invisible duo was to happily break into the restricted section. All went well, for a few minutes. Harry folded the cloak up and and Tina placed it in her tool belt (that absolutely most definitely _did_ conform with the uniform dress code, no doubt about it mister prefect,) and both set off in separate directions, Tina in search of the magical creatures section, and Harry looking for mind control.

Unbeknownst to them, they weren't the only ones there. Luckily, this was soon revealed, in a burst of confetti and glitter as two ginger boys with identical faces popped out of nowhere and muffled Tina's shriek of surprise.

"Hello there!" The one with his hand over her mouth exclaimed as he shook pink and purple glitter from his alarmingly colored hair.

"We didn't expect anyone else to be here!" The other one added, looking down and nudging the book she'd been going through with his shoe, before whistling at the cover and giving her a mildly impressed look.

"Yeah, we're kinda," The first began again.

"Surprised! What're you," The second said.

"Doing here?" They both finished, and the hand was removed from her mouth for her to answer.

Tina said the first thing that came to her mind.

"Har! Vatican cameos!" She shouted, and there was a muffled cry of "shit!" from a few aisles over before the nearest bookcase fell over, and onto the scene bounded Harry Potter with pen in hand.

"For Narniaaaa!" Tina's green-eyed cousin shouted, and clicked the pen.

Veritably, chaos followed his entrance.

Roughly five minutes, a rather confusing explanation, and untold amounts of "Reparo" later, and both the Dursley clan members and the ginger-haired twins exited the library as quietly as possible. The twins in question quickly led them down a few halls before ducking behind a seemingly random tapestry, tugging Harry and Tina along with them. They all four emerged in a tiny room containing two chairs, a bookcase, and a portrait of a young man with black hair and brilliant purple eyes with oddly shaped pupils sitting on a fancy looking chair, a black helmet with a blue visor sitting on his lap.

"Hello. What are you doing here?" The man asked amiably, and Harry shrugged as he and his cousin were ushered into the chairs by the gingers.

"I 'ave no idea. I think wot it has something with my attempting to cast legilimency on them after I tried and failed to defeat them with my sword."

One of the man's thin eyebrows rose. "You know legilimency?" He asked.

"Nah. At least, not yet. But I 'ave to practice on someone, and frankly I'm to scared to try to read Tina's mind. I'm afraid, nay terrified, knowing wot I'll find terrible things in there."

"Unterstandable." One of the twins piped up. Harry wasn't sure which. They'd introduced themselves earlier during the library cleanup, one as Fred and the other as George, but he quickly lost track of which was which.

"When we found her, she was reading about how to breed augureys."

"Terrible creatures, they are."

"People used to think they could summon death."

"They can't, of course."

"But they're dreadfully gloomy."

"And they look like someone dipped a starving vulture in blue ink and then set it alight."

Everyone, including the painting, turned to look at Tina, who shrugged. "Wut? I just thought they looked cute. Anyhoo, I was actually looking for anything about tryphens."

"What in the small blessed world is a tryphen?" Harry asked, and Tina made a vaguely upset face.

"That's wut I was tryin' to find out! In your first transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall transformed herself into something, right?"

"She turned herself into a cat. Most impressive."

"Righty! She did that in my first one too, and then she made a joke that you had to be careful of self-transfiguring, unless you want to look like a tryphen! And a few people laughed, but I don' think many of us really understood her. But tryphen sounds like gryffin, so I wanted to know what they are, because I for one would _love_ to look like a gryffin. But I cannae find it in any of our school books, sooooo... _research_!"

One of the twins snorted. "I have to admit, looking like a gryffin would be pretty cool."

"Indeed. House loyalty and all that." Added the other. It was only then that Harry noticed their gold and red striped ties.

"You will not find much on tryphens in the school library considering how light-centric I've been told it is nowadays." A new voice chimed in from the portrait, and everybody looked to see a woman with long hair the alarmingly green color of pear skins, wearing tightly fitted white robes with black embellishments and golden chains hung around her neck, now sitting in the black-haired man's lap. Truthfully, the man himself looked rather confused at her appearance.

"C.C, how nice of you to join us." The man eventually said, and the woman hummed something unintelligible in reply, before fixing Tina with her golden gaze.

"Tryphens are old creatures, not many dealed them even in my time. If you should wish to continue your search, I suggest you check the old streets. Beware, most of those who wander the old streets would just as soon eat you as sell you any of their wares. And they wouldn't even use forks and knives, or proper table manners at all." She announced, to the shock of all listening.

"C.C!" The man yelped, looking scandalized at the woman before giving her a shove off his lap. She landed at his feet with a thump.

"What, Lelouch? I am simply being honest."

"We do not say such things around children! Damn, what if the fifth founder heard you saying things like that?"

"Join me. Then blow something up and rant about Godric being a ridiculous idiot for a few minuted before growing bored and asking if we can go yet."

Lelouch just stared around the room for a few moments before shrugging. "Sadly, this is true."

"You knew the fifth founder?" Harry asked, instantly intrigued. "Tina was sorted into _**DOOM**_ , but we can't find the dorms, and we don't really know how to find them."

From her spot at Lelouch's feet, C.C. blinked and shrugged. "Ask your head of house. It's not my job to explain." She instructed, before standing and walking calmly out of the frame before they could explain that the current head of house was... well... _Maya_. Lelouch followed, an exhausted look on his face as he waved his helmet in farewell, leaving only a painting of his rather throne-like chair in his wake.

"So..." One of the twins began. Harry was fairly certain that it was Fred. "What were you two doing in the restricted section?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Practicing legilimency, obviously, you fools. And apparently, Ti was off a-searching for ancient gryffin like creatures to turn herself into."

"Oh." Said the other, probably George. "Then uh... how'd you get in? Because Fred and I," Hah. Harry had been right. "Have been trying to come up with a new way to get onto the 3rd floor corridor due to our previous fails, and we could use some help." Harry narrowed his eyes, and George shuffled his feet.

"For a price,"

"Of course." Fred finished.

Harry smirked.

xXx

"Aw, why'd you bring so many ickle firsties?" One of the twins grumbled.

"Because Aunt Tuney told us to maintain our alliances." Harry replied, with an agreeing nod from Tina before she pranced past to scout the way. They'd already sucessfully made it into the corridor via sneaking two at a time under the cloak, and Filch was carefully indisposed in another location due to something that Hermione had pulled to help the noble cause of "I dunno what they want us to do, but they're paying, so let's" that Tina had explained to her. As far as Harry knew, she fully intended to use any earnings to purchase much of the literature of her choice.

"Harry, I've put up with this so far," Draco shot a glare at the twin who had spoke. "But what are we doing? And why are you associating with Weasleys?" He asked from behind Harry, and the scarred boy's green eyes widened.

"What? Am I?" He cast a quick look around for Stalker Ron, but saw only the twins, Hermione, Tina, Draco, and himself. "Where?"

"That, good sir," One of the twins piped up.

"Would be us." Finished the other.

"Really?" Harry asked, green eyes still wide. He adjusted his glasses. "Wait a moment... red hair, Gryffindor ties, and skilled in the art popping out of nowhere to start conversations. Verily, I can see the resemblance."

The twins clapped hands, looking proud for a moment before they realized Harry had just compared them to their stalkerish younger brother.

Draco cleared his throat. He looked somewhat peeved for having been ignored, as apposed to Hermione who looked to be having trouble following the conversation. She was still looking frantically back and forth between Fred and George, her hair frizzing out even more from the movement, if such a thing was even possible considering it's usual volume. Tina, in her usual fashion, matched neither, and since she had now found it, was quite happily inspecting the door which they were trying to enter.

Really, they had had made it surprisingly easily onto the 3rd floor corridor, and considering how much they had been warned away from it, Harry was beginning to think that Dumbledore didn't actually want students to stay away from it. Why else would he put to much emphasis on warning them to stay away from it, and then leave such slack security? Or perhaps the old man truly thought that just words of warning would keep anyone away... but surely, someone who had been dealing with children for so long would know that the opposite was true?

Dumbledore was swiftly climbing the ranks of Harry's grudge list for all the puzzles he left.

"Again, Harry, why?" Draco asked loudly, snapping Harry from any further brooding.

"Um." Harry stated as he tried to remember what his blond friend had even been on about previous to his mental tangent. "Oh! I, er, didn't actually know at the time I agreed to this plot. But 'tis too late now; we are going to 'ave to break into this room regardless. We've been promised a share of the findings. So, Weasleys," The twins saluted. "What information hath thou gathered henceforth our agreement?"

"There is a giant three headed dog, sir!" They both chimed. Hermione squeaked.

"A three headed dog, you say?" Tina asked, looking away from the lock on the door for a moment. "Further info, please."

"Big,"

"Toothy,"

And blackish-brown,"

"And incredibly soft-hearted and drooly, ma'am!"

"At least, that's what Hagrid says." Another salute. Harry grabbed Hermione before she could swoon. She didn't look it, to be honest, but Harry was nothing if not a gentlemen.

"Aw, why didn't you say so!" Tina turned back to the lock and fiddled with it a bit more. "We're talkin' about a Cerberus! Adorable munchkins, they are!" Harry heard one of the twins mutter to his brother something along the lines of "Hagrid 2.0."

"You can get past it?"

"Easy-peasy. But oddly enough, I can't get past this door. My picking isn't working, and consid'rin' this is one of those undercover missions, as much as I'd love to break out the fuster-clucks, that'd prolly give us away."

"Indeed." Harry agreed, then turned to the others. "Anybody know how to get through?"

Hermione, strangely enough, was the first to raise her hand. Thus, she was shoved to the door first. After she had used some spell, "Alohamora," Tina shoved the door open and pranced inside, followed by the rest of them.

As previously warned, they were met with a large, drooly, fanged dog with an extraordinary number of heads.

Tina shouted "Hotto Dogu!"

xXx

After another song in dance number in which Tina had somehow changed her uniform into a puppy costume, the Cerberus was safely asleep, and the group slipped into a trap door that had been reveled when it toppled over.

They walked only a short was before the floor vaporized beneath them all, and they all plummeted to be surrounded by something ropy and slightly slimy, which began to writhe around them. No one had time to react, though, before Tina's wand fired off a random spell, and the world was rapidly lit by light provided by multiple tiny raging infernos. The thick vines that had been holding them immediately released them and they all fell once again, colliding in a great pile in the hard floor. Draco took it upon himself to complain about "Weasley contamination" and then they were once again off, Hermione greatly unsure, the twins more enthusiastic then ever, Draco still whining, Tina skipping, and Harry in the lead, humming "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park."

The following obstacles passed in much the same way. Tina cast "Wingardium Leviosa" on a troll and Harry used "Scourgify" on the splattered remains, Fred and George caught an odd flying key by flying on a provided broom, Harry led them all through a game of spectacular wizards chess until Tina just blew up the king to be done with it, and Hermione and Draco worked together to puzzle through a riddle about potions that would let them walk through fire before Harry eventually grew bored and just summoned some lake water and dowsed the offending fiery barrier.

Thus they all emerged into a room containing nothing more then shattered glass and a small black box, which immediately clicked when they all stepped closer, and blue light fell out to form the flickering form of Maya hovering in the air above the box.

Wizards used holograms? Like the Jedi?

" **Hello, Siren here. You may have noticed a peculiar lack of what was here previously; this would be because I got here first and took it instead, for a variety of reasons, including being bored, knowing what it is, and having found it's security delightfully susceptible to fairly obvious ideas, like simply _sneaking around the troll_ , or _walking around the chessboard_**." Harry slapped his forehead. How had he not thought of those?

" **Depending on who this is** _,_ " The little blue Maya continued. " **This info may result in very different reactions. Thus I will leave a reply for each possibility.**

 **If it is Dumbledore, then, well. _Hah_. Suck on _this_ , you creepy old man.**

 **If this is Lord Voldemort, somehow raised from the dead, possessing Quirrel, or, the theory I personally favor, having been reborn as a unicorn, then once again, Hah. Suck on _this_ , you _other_ creepy old man.**

 **If this is either Tina, Harry, or any of you other small delightful monsters who I occasionally associate with, good job on getting through! I feel so proud of you evil little munchkins! Feel free to come to me for a little bit of loot as a reward.**

 **If this Zer0, next time _tell me when you're in town_! I've missed killing things with you.**

 **If this is Brick, how in the world did I not hear the smashing? Did you learn subtlety from Mordecai or something?**

 **If this is Claptrap... _how_?**

 **If this is Chuck Norris, please leave a signature addressed to Maya the Siren, I will collect it later.**

 **Thank you, and have a good day!** " The little blue figure flickered one last time before disappearing.

And then, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore burst in through the door.

He was greeted by offensive spells from all, even Hermione, though she later apologized profusely for sending thousands of strings of bluebell flames at the Headmaster.

xXx

Nicolas Flamel looked wide-eyes down as the letter that had arrived with a tiny gift box on his doorstep sometime last night, d _espite the numerous wards preventing trespasser he had set up_.

" **Dear Nico,** " The letter started out.

" **I recently found something most surprising. Did you know that that Philosophers Stone you were always trying to make back when we were in school? Well, I think leaving a complete version with this Dumbledore creep was a major mistake. It only took me ten minutes to get to it, and I had** _no_ **injuries, which frankly is** **disappointing** **.**

 **So obviously he doesn't know how to make a proper fetch quest, because everyone knows you're supposed to find, say, a flower and need like fifty more of the suckers, then trade them back in town for a gem, which you give to a gatekeeper, so that he'll let you into another dungeon, where you'll fight a series of bosses to get the thing you're looking for!**

 **But no. I just avoided a big dog, used "Lumos", set a troll to sleep, a grappled a key out of the air, walked around a chessboard, and used the fire-freezing charm.**

 **In ten minutes.**

 **So, in short, Dumbles is no Akihiko Kayaba.**

 **He's not even a Nobuyuki Sugo.**

 **Anyhow, I took half the stone because it turns out it's a compound of Eridium, which honestly, you could have mentioned to me. We've been friends forever, and you never even mentioned finding some! But here's the rest.**

 **Say hi to the missus.**

 ** _Maya_.**"

"...PERENELLA!"

 **Part Five**

Petunia Dursley waited anxiously at the wall that marked the entrance to Platform 9 3/4, wearing her Sunday best, because she wanted to welcome her two charges back in the best way possible. Dudley was leaning against her, and Vernon was behind her, pretending he wasn't crying in anticipation just as much as she and Dudley were. Well, maybe not crying. But sniffling a bit, surely.

The moment people began to pour out of the wall Petunia stood up on her toes to see over the crowd of bodies, looking for heads of messy black and spiky blond. Her heart was jumping for fear they somehow wouldn't be there, and Dudley was whining and asking where they were.

Finally, she saw them, splitting off from a girl with bushy hair and a faintly otter-like face and a boy with ridiculously slicked back blond hair, and making a beeline for her. She grabbed Dudley and Vernon's hands and tugged them both forward until they all met in a crushing mass in the middle of a crowd of other crushing masses.

And when they finally finished exchanging hugs and hello's and a few more tears, and were back in the car heading home... Petunia sighed happily, and looked back to see her wonderful, innocent, terrifying little girl was in the back seat bouncing in excitement next to her sisters son Harry and her own son Dudley, all three chattering about their time apart, from Dudley's most recent part in a play to how Tina and Harry's defense teacher had mysteriously disappeared the last week of school after suffering a nervous breakdown, and seemingly trying to completely catch up in the span of the single car ride.

Finally, she would once again be able walk into a room and find random objects hovering midair, or Dudley's hair turned bright pink.

Because believe it or not, Petunia Dursley, formerly normal housewife, had actually kinda misses it.

She knew perfectly well that such events were the symptoms of her wonderful, mismatched, far-to-often-in-trouble-with-the-authorities, not-at-all-normal family.

xXx

Voldemort hissed in frustration, and wriggled his wispy wraith body from Quirrel's dead body into that of the muggle who had discovered it. The dark-skinned man immediately stiffened, before backing away and clutching his shaggy head in a desperate attempt to defend himself before Voldemort succeeded in taking over his body.

"Hmph," Voldemort sniffed as he walked away from the clearing in the woods where Quirrel lay. "A _muggle_. How demeaning. I'll have to make a homuculus as soon as possible. Imagine, I, the Dark Lord, stuck in a muggle body! ... I swear that little Potter brat is going to _pay_."

But first, some decent robes. Because like _hell_ was the Lord Voldemort going to wear a mesh shirt.

xXx

"Why, hello, founder!" Maya said as cheerily as she could. Ever since the children had left she had been searching for something deep in the dungeons. Deep where the magical torches flickered and the sounds echoed and the air smelled like potions fumes and dust that even the house elves didn't bother to clean. And it seemed that her one-sided game of hide-and-seek had ultimately paid off. Before her on the wall was a portrait, albeit a horribly framed one, as instead of a face it focused on a rather buxom tattooed chest. Just what she had been looking for!

There was a huff before the figure in the portrait bent and a pale face appeared, and along with it a mildly irritated scowl and bright red hair. "Ugh, finally. With me around, you might actually get somewhere."

.

* * *

First year complete! Hallelujah! There will probably be a second. Eventually. I want to get back to that tryphen thing.

Anyhow, you probably have no idea how much fun I've had writing this, but it's been a lot. My brothers are majorly confused at this point, I'm sure, but they've been a great help too. Can anyone guess who the fifth founder is? Ren insisted.

Thanks for reading, please review and feel welcome to give advice or requests, or point out any mistakes or typos, and byeeeeeee!

(1) For any who are wondering, there is a reason I gave them these wands. Phoenix feathers are capable of a greater range of magic, though they take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes refusing to function on their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike. And with how I'm writing Harry, he's not going to want a wand that may go against his wishes, so the phoenix feather simply would not match him.

Unicorn hair, on the other hand, generally produces the most consistent magic, and wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, uncaring of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard, and therefore rarely work for anyone else. The disadvantages of unicorn hairs are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate, as the ebony wood will in this case) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing. I'm not sure whether or not I will do this, but it is an interesting plot idea to maybe have Harry mistreat his wand somewhere along the road, and then have this happen.

And as for Tina's wand, I quote "the witch or wizard who is well-matched with a cedar wand carries the potential to suddenly be a frightening adversary, which often comes as a shock to those who have thoughtlessly challenged them. You will never meet the owner of a cedar wand whom you would want to cross, especially if harm is done to those of whom they are fond, as holders of such wands tend to be exceptionally loyal, eccentric and strong of character, and especially powerful under pressure."

As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. They are also prone to occasional accidental casting. This seems pretty fitting of Tina, I thought, to just have her wand randomly fire off a blasting curse with no help whatsoever.

And yes, I spent almost an hour researching this, because personally I find this subject fascinating.

(2) For anyone who wonders, yes this has a meaning in the flower language. Feel free to try to figure it out! Or just ask me in a review, whatever...

(3) I have this feeling that Snape, who isn't as obsessed with Quidditch as McGonagall, wouldn't really bother to add Harry to the team, but would nonetheless reward him for... uhhhh... dealing with obstacles? I mean, Snape really hates Ron. But he's not going to bypass the Quidditch rules for a simple shove and some decent flying.

The whole catching the Remembrall never happened in this fic, because Draco doesn't have that thing about challenging Harry, and Hooch returned soon enough from taking Neville from the infirmary that she could continue the lesson. So just assume this is a normal lesson. Aside from the fact that two people have had to be taken to the infirmary.


End file.
